There goes my brain

• Non-Fiction
• Religion
• Spirituality & New Age
• Guide

								
She sighed, looking around for something to ease the boredom of her long journey home, after searching for a while, she sighted a pebble. How unfortunate of it for it as she seemed like there was an inner turmoil within her as she kicked the pebble with as much strength as she could muster. Letting her mind wander she thought, 

{how is it that I'm not hungry? seeing as she hadn't eaten the whole day and as the time ran towards evening she questioned if she was alright. It wasn't a one-time experience but a frequent occurrence as of last month. She feared for her health.
She suspected it was part of a stage she was going through, because she was losing all the sensory pleasures she always enjoyed. They weren't enough and they just tickled but didn't bring in enough dopamine for her body to sink into. She felt life was becoming meaningless and wondered when it would all end. She had only her faith leading her on, another reason for her suspicion. She was losing sensory pleasures and physical pleasure, she was going into the stage where her body submitted itself to the will of her God and she first had to leave those things behind to get to him. 
 She adored him, her God, she often wondered how he could love people the way they were, she couldn't even handle the quietest of them all, not to mention the ones who prattle on and on. She longed to be able to just love as he does, forgive as he does  and deepest of them all to see as he does. He always knew what was happening next and she wanted to be able to do it too, but it seemed like it was only for the most advanced. Ooh a bird , they are so free she thought. They didn't have countless thoughts running through their minds, they didn't have to deal with people, maybe they dealt with fellow birds, huh, she had never thought of it that way. She ponders the nature of…..}


 and so the journey ended as she spotted the beautifully carved peelings of paint on the door. She trudged up the stairs and touched them, letting the scuffs tickle her finger as she looked lovingly at it, the nostalgia washing over her , things boredom makes you do. It was a wonder that she didn't get in trouble.

Opening up the door, she hung her jacket, took off her shoes, wiggled her toes and headed to her room, as always. The repetitiveness of her actions were starting to wear her out and all she thought about was when she would experience something new.
 She refused to return to her old behaviors or sins as it was called because they left her feeling shame, hate and all sort of  things, why put herself thought that torture for such a small amount of dopamine. 
Turning in her bed she picked up the word. Her bible. It felt like peace had sauntered in and resided in her heart as she smiled like a child, the first smile we get from our protagonist. Turning around and as she reached for her journal she thought 
{will i get enlightened again} 
after receiving bursts of enlightenment from the Lord over the weekend she longed for more
 {the feeling of finally understanding something or the joy of new discoverance ahh what a joy, and there went her head again}

 Closing her eyes she entered into a state, forming herself into a whisper, she immersed herself into her soul, she nearly forget where she was until the words of her father which had been drilled into her heart, reminded her to always be aware of her surroundings, she shook off the reserve feelings and swam in the pool of her consciousness, as if tidying up, she cleared her mind and soul from minute thoughts that resided within her.


She breathed in and breathing out she paused, hearing  a sound, someone was walking up the stairs, careful not to make too much noise , the person had advanced towards the hallway towards the path that led to her room and she thought
  {do i stop, do i pretend like i was doing nothing?} 
Boom….It felt like someone had opened up a pack of confetti and threw it around,the space she had spent so much time cleaning had been filled again with just the sound of  someone's footsteps. 

That deep rooted fear of someone coming in and seeing her in the midst of praying, that awkward conversation and that fear that she might get mocked even in her own deeply religious family.
it felt like her mind had exploded, the peace that had sauntered in was now quickly scampering, Tears pooled down her face as she felt panic arising and for what reason , she had heard someone walking towards her room, 
{oh right what about that person} she thought. 

Speak of the angel, the door was slowly and gently cracked open the door, she saw the soft face of her mother before she saw the rest of the body, 
“Hey” her mother said softly while arranging her clothes

her mother had on a beige colored sweater with a black flowy skirt and from her deduction her mother had been cooking, even though she looked messy her mother carried herself with so much grace and class, one that was in rooted and could not be taught, funny how that was her mother’s name, Grace, what a wonderful name. 

Grace walked in and sat  beside her daughter gently wiping off the tears and asked 
“ what's wrong” 
even though she knew the answer was going to be the same as she always got, that didn't stop her from asking, her curse for being a mother

 “ nothing “ came from the smiling child .
 
Grace sighed as she understood the smile, her daughter's smile had become one that was given out of courtesy and she had lost the open toothed smile that she had always had since she was little. Grace nodded as she said

 “ i’m sorry for interrupting you , why don't you continue, when you're done you could come downstairs,i made dinner if you're interested”

The girl nodded absentmindedly until she heard the next words from her mother

… and say hi to our heavenly father for me”

 She laughed, a genuine deep throated laugh, one that made Grace tear up, it's been awhile since she heard it . She stood up giving the girl space to continue har prayers and gently closed the door making sure to slide the DO NOT DISTURB sign that hung from the door on her way out so no one  would disrupt her little belle.

The girl sighed as she looked at the wall opposite her, there hung in the middle was the cross with Jesus Christ nailed to it, beside it were pinned prayers she had made and a picture of the blessed virgin mary. 
She thought {let’s try this again}

 Replicating her previous actions, she took the broom again,  she swept, this time with a strong determination to not get distracted, she calmly and humbly invited the lord into her heart and soul, she asked that he should occupy her and fill her with courage and love. She didn't forget to involve her mothers request as she dwelled deeper into her meditative state. 


About 20 mins later, she opened up her eyes, looking forward as she grabbed her phone tapping it, 4:37pm. 
She took her bible, opening it up to the book she had just started reading ECCLESIASTES, she smiled, the author made her feel seen even though she didn't agree with most of his theories, she loved how his book was  worded and how his words taught her lessons. After reading a few chapters and making some notes, she made a quick prayer and stood up. Looking around her room she debated on her next course of action.

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