Our Story - Her Side

• Diaries
• Journals
• Non-Fiction
• Romance
• Self help
• Short story
• Autobiographies

								
I thought you were the one, the one God put on this earth just for me. 

After I decided to leave my horrible marriage, I started to heal. But healing takes time, especially when the wounds are deep. Yet, during my healing, as I started to find myself again, there you were. I wasn't sure at first. I took my time to fall for you. I was done running around and playing games with people that didn't deserve my heart. But you proved to be worthy. You made me smile, you hugged me when I cried. You lent an open ear, and shoulder whenever I needed it. You showed me that real men show up; they don't just say, they do. I trusted you; I felt safe with you, and I had never felt that before. 

So I opened up to you. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in your arms. I allowed you to show me what love was supposed to feel & look like. I had never met a person so much like me. We shared the same taste in music, and shows, the same sense of humor. I felt at times like I was looking in a mirror at the male version of myself. I'd prayed for this for so long, and it felt like my prayers were finally answered. I finally felt like I could relax for the first time in life and just enjoy my time with you. 

So I did. I let my guard down, and let the walls crumble. I allowed myself grace and time to just feel. I slowly started to feel human again. I was happy, really happy in a world that had been extremely cruel to me. When I was with you, the sun shined a bit brighter, my smile a bit wider. I felt as though I had finally, in my 40 years here, found true love. I leaned into it. I savored it. I wanted every ounce of it. I wanted every moment to be with you, be in your arms, because it felt like home & I felt like the luckiest girl on earth. 

And then one day it was gone. In an instant, just gone. I was in utter shock. I had never experienced pain like this. I didn't understand, what had I done? Why were you gone? My bright days became so dark, the pain was immense. I cried so much until the tears had just dried up. I had never felt this kind of loss in my entire life, and my heart felt broken beyond repair. 

But eventually, I stopped crying. Eventually, I started to smile again. I talked it out with my friends. I even pulled myself out of bed and started to enjoy life again. It wasn't easy at all, but I had to let you go. I had to accept what had happened, and even though I longed for answers and understanding, I had to put that behind me, I had to put you behind me. 

Then one day, as I was reflecting on my year, your memory flooded my brain. I was so grateful to have met you and had you in my life, and I wanted to express my full gratitude in that. Because, you did participate in my healing. You gave me something I had never experienced before... true love. Even though you had left, I still had so much appreciation for our time together. So I'd emailed you to share that, and was shocked to receive a response. 

The shock grew greater as we spoke and eventually decided to give it another go. I was nervous at first, guarded beyond belief. The pain I had just fled free from, I wasn't willing to feel again. So we talked. We talked a lot. We talked about what happened, and we talked about how we would handle ourselves during this next run. Eventually, I let my guard down again, and allowed myself to love. 

Each day I was with you, I thanked God for bringing you back in my life. I tried so hard to make sure I didn't do anything to f*ck this up. I wanted to tell you every single day how much I loved you and appreciated you just being there, because my soul felt fulfilled. I really can't describe the elation, the happiness, the joy that having you in my life brought to me. 

I was still healing. I was healing from my past traumas. I was healing from our break-up. I was trying to learn how to do a relationship, a really good relationship, because I hadn't had one before. I was navigating uncharted waters, but as delicately as possible. I didn't want to say or do the wrong thing because I didn't want to risk losing you. I continued to heal, and part of that healing was just to feel. To feel all the feels, happiness, sadness, madness. I just wanted to feel again. I needed to feel again because this love thing felt amazing, and I wanted to feel every moment of it. 

So that's what I did. I felt, I shared, I was open. I tried to be there for you, too. I wanted to show you that I was a good partner. I wanted to show you that you could trust me, too. That I was a real person, with emotions, and not some weird robot. To show you that being vulnerable was not so bad, that you could do it too. That I was there for you in any way that you needed me to be. I tried so hard to just be there for you. 

I thought it was good. When I told you I loved you, you returned with an, "I love you too". Or when I said you are my person and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with you; you reciprocated. When I said, "thank you for a great weekend together" I got, "it's easy with a great partner by your side". Everything felt good, in fact, it felt great! I started to want to evolve with you, but I wanted to take it at your pace, I didn't want to scare you. 

Eventually, I met your kids, and I thought it was a win. I didn't want to dive in deep, for their sake and mine. It was a little rocky at times, but overall, I felt good about the relationships we were establishing. I became a bit more involved in your life, with your family, as you did with mine. It felt like a fantastic, natural progression of our relationship. Often times people would ask when we were moving in together or different things about pressuring timelines, as people often do. My response was always the same, "We are good. Things are good. We will take it at the speed that works for us, and right now it's working". 

As we continued down this path, I started to allow myself to see more of my future with you. As we vacationed together, and spent holidays together, and made future plans together, it all seemed to be working out well. I lessened my guard more and more and even thought that one day, perhaps I'd marry again. I thought you'd make an amazing husband, and I always wanted an amazing husband. I wanted someone to grow old with, someone I knew I'd always enjoy my time with. Someone that made me laugh, made me smile, made me feel secure. Someone that was supportive and kind and caring... that was you. 

Throughout this all, I tried to be cognizant that you also needed space. You needed time to yourself, for yourself, with yourself or your friends. I know I was selfish at times, wanting to occupy your time, because again, I cherished every moment. But I didn't think that my feelings of wanting to spend more time with you would have a negative impact. Sure, I felt sad, but I still respect your needs. I thought you'd find it endearing that I wanted to spend time with the man that I loved so much. 

I had no idea that you didn't find it endearing. I had no idea that when I opened up emotionally to you, that you felt responsible in some way to make me feel better about my past. I had no idea that basically everything I thought I was doing right in our relationship, was in fact pushing you away; making you feel smothered; making you feel like you now had one more thing on your plate that you were responsible for managing. I had no idea until one day, it was just gone again. 

								Rate this book:0.0 / 0 votes