Our Story - Her Side Page #2

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Déjà vu... what the f*ck!? How did we end up here again? What had I done? Why didn't you love me? At least this time you were kind enough to break it off face to face. I appreciated that, but I didn't feel like I could talk. One, I was in shock again. I went into preservation mode; bargaining, begging, pleading. Didn't you know how much this meant? Did you not feel the love too? Don't you want a future with me? I knew you had your kids that day, and I didn't want to keep you from them. I also knew that you clearly had strong decisions on this, since you brought all of my things to me. I didn't know what to say or do, so I just let it happen and tried to accept it.

But then, as the days passed, the alcohol wore off, the home projects were completed... I was left alone with my own thoughts. Unfortunately, I'm an anxious person, and the anxiety overwhelmed me. I spent so much time typing out messages I wanted to send to you, but then deleting them, trying to refrain from contact, trying to give you the space you had requested. 

But some days, it was like this anxiety demon just took over. I couldn't help myself at all. I just wanted to talk to you. I just wanted to tell you how I felt, and the things that I'd realized I'd done wrong and the plan of action I'd made to just make all of the wrongs disappear. It overwhelmed me, and some days I just broke. I begged you for a conversation because I truly thought that perhaps hearing this would change your mind and provide some epiphany to just say, "whoa, huge mistake, my bad". But it didn't, it wouldn't, and the more I tried, the further I pushed any shot out the door. 

This time, the pain wasn't as bad. Did I cry, sure, a lot! But not nearly as much as before. Did I feel like I couldn't breathe without you? Yes! Did life feel like it was some bizarro world mix up that was not meant to happen? Absolutely! But this time, I knew what and why. Not because you came out and said it, but because I had an ah hah moment. Then I became a bit angry. Why couldn't you have just said this, plain as day? Had you just expressed your feelings, I could have changed. Wasn't our love and our future together worth it to you? WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU AND WHY ARE YOU SO EAGER TO RID OF ME, OF US!?! Again, it didn't make sense. It seemed like such an easy fix, so why weren't we working to fix this? 

And here's where we are. Nearly 2 weeks later. I'm still a bit confused, but trying to accept it. I still want to talk to you, but trying to refrain. I still have hopes you'll reconsider, but I'm not putting any of my eggs in that basket. I now know what I did, and how it made you feel in a negative way, which is an amazing thing, because I know what to correct. But if you had no desire or patience to allow me the correction, then that tells me you have no patience or desire for me any longer. I absolutely felt our love was worth trying for. We made that promise to each other when we got back together. But, looks like I took it too far one way, and you too far the other. 

I'm praying every day that we meet back in the middle. That we find our balance and our voices to express how we feel, why we feel that way, and actionable items to improve our situation. I pray that I don't lose the only real, true love story I've ever had in my life. I pray I don't have to start over and constantly think about you while I do. I pray I can spend my days with you, enjoying life to the fullest. I pray for happiness and healing and change and growth. I pray that you see the light, and want all of this too. 

Maybe my prayers will be answered. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be several decades down the road; I'm not sure what the future will hold. But until then, I'm going to try and accept it. I'm not going to wallow, or cry or reel in my own thoughts. I'm not going to message you or beg for you to come back. I'm going to give you space. I'm going to find myself in that space. I'm going to learn from our experience, and I'm going to never forget what love feels like. 

I may hate the situation. I may long to hear your voice, see your smile, wink with two eyes at each other. I may want to kiss your lips, and feel your touch, and relive what it felt like to have your arms tucked around me so tightly the last time we saw each other. I really didn't think either of us wanted to let go... I know I didn't. And although I'm not certain, it didn't feel like you did either. So I'm going to hold on to that. Maybe one day you'll let me in your arms again, and won't let go. Maybe one day we can learn how to be great to each other, and be prepared to work for each other. Maybe one day, our love will rekindle, and our healing will have happened, and it will be the right time to start over again, together. 

Until those days... I still think you are the one that God put on this earth just for me & I'll forever be grateful for our time together... whenever that may be.
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