From bashful to bold

A small-town girl learns how to overcome obstacles and become more confident and self-assured.

• Short story

								
     In sixth grade, Marilyn Brown was the most popular girl because she was pretty and confident. We all wanted her approval and friendship. Marilyn could walk on her hands in the school play yard on the cement, so I rehearsed to be able to do this skillfully Just as well, but did not gain the same attention. I dressed the same as Marilyn, exactly, and even though I felt pretty, it just wasn’t equal to her beauty or confidence. One day she invited me to her home and we were having child like fun, playing outdoors and she said “you really are my best friend, but I can’t tell anyone because you know what would happen to me.” I stopped walking, and looked directly at her face In disapproval. She looked away, appropriately, embarrassed, but it was the moment I stopped needing her approval. I would pay attention to my other friends who were much more loyal. It was a good life lesson.
     From eighth grade, it was obvious some things I was good at and some things, not. Sports were not my talent. You really are born with certain talents and abilities and passions. It’s important to stick with the things that you have some natural ability to do. I was one of the few who played the piano, so all through high school. I was the accompanist for the choir because no one else wanted to. It was a great privilege and gave me a little confidence. I had a natural singing voice and could play the flute , and enjoyed the band And choir accomplishments in high school, and those friends.
     By our freshman year in high school, Marilyn Brown was pregnant, married, and dropped out of school. She came to tell me and seemed rather embarrassed and ashamed. For the first time, I had great compassion for her. I was sorry she was in the spot. She was so grown up looking, pretty and likable. She was in love though, and her husband was a good person. She would survive.
     My best friend Debbie, was cheerleader our Sophomore year and good in sports. She had a lot of boyfriends and seem to be quite promiscuous, and then she dumped me quite publicly and coldly. Somehow, I had enough confidence by that point or self-esteem to just let it roll off my back. I did not feel inferior to her or to anyone else. It was a good life lesson. I admired other people for their talent or abilities, but stopped feeling less Important. I would just do my best at anything that was interesting and keep in my lane.
     There was not a group of girls that I hung out with consistently by my sophomore year in high school and I somehow had the mistake idea that confidence was something you could turn on like a switch or that some people were born with it. I went to the school counselor, and asked for her Advice on how to Become less shy. This was a very athletic woman about 45, very confident and articulate. She said “you just have to find some way to develop more confidence.“.  That wasn’t very much help at all in some practical way, except it was a very good life lesson. I would have to do this myself and no one could help, Except God. It was just me and God And I would have to do the work. 
     There was a little booklet at the grocery stand called “how to win friends and influence people”.  I paid for it and put the principles into practice and they worked immediately. The only principles I can recall at this point were:
: 1.  Smile until you get a smile in return.   
This literally was the most important principle and it worked immediately. A smile makes you feel happy. Other people enjoy a nice smile. It is a universal language and very necessary.
  2. Be the first to say “hello“.
Maybe other people are a little bashful themselves. Don’t wait until people say hello to you. Be a little more assertive and friendly.
  3.  Offer a sincere compliment.
People enjoy Hearing nice things about themselves. Almost every person has something you can offer a nice word about to encourage them.
  4.  Keep the conversation positive and focused on the other person when reasonable.
Ask questions. Be interested in the other person. Everyone likes to be listened to. You will learn something.

     So, I went around applying these principles plus I avoided activities where people would be taking drugs or doing other things that would be damaging. It was the right thing for myself. At that young age, I Determined not to date another person unless I knew they had good character. By our junior year in high school, the class Had voted me there, homecoming princess by some miracle. I would get to choose someone to be escort to the activities. Through a friend, I asked Rance Kinser if he would take me to the homecoming dance. He wanted to meet me in the doorway behind the gym. When I saw him standing there in the hallway, all handsome and buff, I might’ve been in love right at that moment. He was an athlete, strong, confident, but sweet and adorable. I knew he had a good personality and we hit it off from that first date and began dating regularly. 
     Our senior year, the class elected me to be a cheerleader, which was a life goal. I was completely amazed and happy. At the first pep assembly, I remember thinking, though, that this accomplishment didn’t change me like I had hoped. I thought I would just be this brand new person With no insecurities Or bashfulness. A good life lesson was just that some of us are not extroverts, but we can still Prosper and enjoy life and become better every day.
     I was a part of a girls social program for several years in high school and it helped build confidence and poise and leadership ability. I went to two years community college and it was good to put on a résumé, and to build good steady habits and self discipline. Everything helps. 
     Rance and I were married when I was 19 and he was 20 in 1975. Life was easy and sweet. He became Christian and 1976, December. I had grown up attending to church and decided to become devoted along with him. We attended a nice Christian church in Eugene, and we were honestly more outgoing than a lot of The people in this church. The congregation was asked to find a prayer partner, and no one approached us. We had to go find someone for ourselves. During the meet and greet time, we realized other people are bashful too. It’s good to just reach out and be friendly. One couple was only in church about every three months so I asked if they were visitors. “Oh no. We’ve been attending this church for years.” Anyway, we became good friends. They were both school teachers and probably our best friends in that congregation.
     We went around visiting lots of different churches in the community and going to revival meetings, being fairly friendly to the people we were meeting and learning poise and Grace. We felt impressed to join a small church in Eugene that met in a Grange hall. We felt at home there And knew it was god’s direction for us. After being there for a few months, I realized how terribly bashful I still was. I didn’t like the “meet and greet“ time. I would leave the church sanctuary, pretending to have to do that and come back when they were all done, shaking hands. I just didn’t like it for any reason. I was very resentful “why do they have to do that”? I began to feel a conviction against leaving at that time constantly and realized a mature person takes on that responsibility. It doesn’t have to be fun always . It’s important to think of the other people and making them feel comfortable. Eventually, it began to actually be fun. I was talking to the pastor’s wife, who is only five years older than I. She was very confident and happy. I told her one day about being bashful. She said she used to be bashful and then she decided she was just being selfish. I really had never thought of it like that before. I actually selfishly didn’t want to exert the energy to get to know new people or to be friends with the same old people all the time every week. Once I took the focus off of myself and onto other people and making them happy, it actually improved my mood , and gave me some very important life skills. 

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