Forgiveness book cover

Forgiveness


Autumn 24 
Year:
2024
12 Views

Submitted by myapereira2005 on November 10, 2024


								
It’s been a year since Marlene passed. Everyday for the past year, after work, I would grab a nice cold beer from the corner store and go back home. Trying to forget and ease the pain of losing my wife by drinking. Today though, today was different. I didn’t get to do my regular routine, because one of my friends asked me to go out to a club with him. He suggested that I can find another woman to keep me company… Maybe he’s right. I met up with Bruce and a couple of other friends outside the nightclub. Is this what I really need right now? Will this make me feel better? I brushed away the building thoughts that were forming inside my mind. I couldn’t think straight anyway; I already had a couple of beers before meeting up with the guys. We walked inside the loud building, and I took in the scene before me. There were beautiful women dancing amongst the crowd, and I could feel the music through my body. My buddies went their separate ways, and I found my way to the bar. “Give me a glass of whiskey, please.” The bartender responded with a nod. I gazed down at my folded hands on the counter; my wedding band gleaming at me. I nearly forgot about the thing. I was so deep in thought that I hardly noticed someone sitting next to me, so I quickly turned to see who it was, and discovered a beautiful young woman. “Hey, handsome. Wanna get out of here and come to my place?” She had that look in her eye, as if she found her next target. “Nah, I’m just here to get a drink.” Shrugging, she decided to leave. “Here you go, sir, a glass of whiskey.” I nodded my head, “Thanks.” After an hour, I was surrounded by empty glass cups; I don’t know exactly how much alcohol I had consumed that night. I could barely keep my head up. Everything was so fuzzy and loud, my mind was swirling, and I felt like I was going to puke. I slowly lifted my head off the bar counter and faced the dancing crowd. Simply sitting and watching people be carefree. When was the last time I felt carefree? My thoughts came to a halt, upon noticing a brown-haired woman walking amidst the crowd in a white dress. “Marlene…?” I jerked upright, almost flying out of my chair, pushing people out of my path. My heart slammed against my chest, calling out my dead wife’s name. I couldn’t find the thin-framed woman with brown hair. Perhaps I had drank too much of that whiskey? Who am I kidding? I had a drink every single day of my life. Every day of my life, I was married to Marlene. I stood there in the midst of the dance floor, surrounded by smiling faces undulating and moving to the beat of the music. After what felt like an eternity, I mustered up the courage to leave and shoved my way out of the night club. As I stepped outside, I felt the crisp winter breeze of the night. It was about two in the morning. I walked along the sidewalk, hands in my jacket pockets, stumbling and trying to keep my balance. It was empty, the city seemed so lonely at night, just as lonely as me. I didn’t know which way I was going nor did I know where I was. I spotted a bench all the way at the end of the sidewalk with the street light flickering just above it. I trudged towards the bench, but I came to a stop before reaching it. There she was. The thin-framed woman with hair the color of branches. She stood in front of the bench with her back facing me. “Marlene…?” I stumbled towards the woman, but I couldn’t reach her. She slowly walked around the corner, leaving no trace. I made it to where she had been and thought about where she could have gone. Was she even real? Am I losing my mind? Probably. Everything had become a blur. I don’t know how, but I ended up at Marlene’s grave. I never once visited her grave after she passed. All I did was drink away my thoughts of my wife; it was all I could really do. I’m a sad sack of shit. I thought back to the times when she was still here. She would stay up through the night worried about me whenever I stayed out late drinking with my friends. By the time I got home, she would scold me telling me I shouldn’t be drinking so much. As I drank more, I gradually became violent with Marlene. One night she told me off as usual after coming home late and something in me just snapped. I smacked her in the face and held onto her throat, “I can do whatever the hell I want, you bitch!” After I let go of her, she slid down against the wall, appalled and filled with fear. I winced at the memory. How could someone do those terrible things to someone that they loved? I felt hot wet tears sliding down my face. Standing and looking down at Marlene’s grave, my voice trembled, “I…I’m so sorry, Marlene.” My whole body quivered, as loud, uncontrollable sobs poured out of me. I fell to my knees and looked up at the night sky. “I…I wasn’t a good husband. I’m a bastard who beat his loving wife…everyday…” My eyes grew wide. At that moment I realized, I beat my own wife. Every. Single. Day. She waited for me to come home, because she was worried about me. She cared about me. I remember how she would sob during the night when we went to bed. I guess she thought I couldn’t hear her, but now that she’s gone, all I feel is remorse. Thunder cracked and it started to rain. “Please, forgive me…” I whispered into the night, while raindrops fell onto my face, blending with my tears. I closed my eyes for a moment and felt a light touch on my shoulder. My eyes flew open and I turned around to see…my wife, “Marlene.” I choked out her name, which felt like a sin. The guilt and pain I had felt only grew ten times more than what it already was. She had a white glow surrounding her and she was pale wearing a white dress. “You should despise me for what I did to you…How could you love me with the way that I treated you? HOW COULD YOU LOOK AT ME AFTER WHAT I DID TO YOU?” I yelled at the top of my lungs with tears falling down my face alongside the raindrops. I dropped down to all fours while Marlene stood in front of me. I couldn’t stop sobbing. “I’m pathetic… I’m a coward. You deserved someone who would treat you right. Not a pig like me who took everything out on you.” Slowly, I brought my head up and Marlene was on her knees, looking at me with a soft smile. She reached towards my face and caressed it like it was something so precious to her. My lips quivered as I spoke, “why?... Why do you still sit here and care for me even after death?” “Charlie.” I froze. “Please, look at me.” I looked at her and kept her sweet gaze. She was just as beautiful as the day I met her.“You ask me why do I still care for you? You ask me, how can I still look at you, after what you've done?” I waited for her to answer. “Because, I love you.” A new type of pain enveloped my whole body. “The man that hurt me was never you. I know you would never do those things on purpose.” “Marlene…” I struggled to get the words out. “The alcohol was not an excuse for what I did to you. I-I have no excuse for what I did. I hurt you…” My vision was blurry and filled with tears that had yet to fall once more. “Do you remember when we would walk in the park in the spring? It was quite beautiful. We would laugh about the small things and lift each other up when we felt down?” I held Marlene’s gaze for a few seconds. She gave me a warm smile that made my heart ache and my guilt engraved deeper within my soul. “Those moments with you, were my everything. That man was my Charlie.” I choked and sobbed after she said those words, I’ve never felt so terrible in my entire life. “I forgive you my Charlie, but the question still stands. Are you able to forgive yourself?” Fresh tears slid down my face and my mouth was slightly ajar from shock. I never thought about it like that. I always wondered if she would ever forgive me, but I never thought if I could ever forgive myself for what I did. “But I–” I bawled. “Charlie…my Charlie, please find it within you to forgive yourself. Do not dwell on this matter for too long.” I laid my head in her lap as she brushed the wet hair out of my face. I couldn’t help but feel the way I do. I felt like I wanted to die. That’s all I’ve ever thought about after Marlene passed away. “What if I were to join you…Marlene?” She stopped stroking my hair. She fell silent. I looked up and saw tears forming in her eyes. “It is not your time, my love.” I sobbed more into her lap, “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. I love you so much Marlene. I should’ve never taken you for granted.” She embraced me, almost like she was protecting me. “Don’t be sorry, my love. I want you to be happy in life and with yourself. Please learn how to forgive.” “What if…I can’t forgive myself?” Marlene looked at me somberly. “Then you will never be able to be happy, at least try…for me?” I couldn’t believe I was talking to my wife after everything. This feeling, when I talk to Marlene, it’s bittersweet. I finally visited her after a year of her passing. I guess I was subconsciously avoiding her with my every being, because of the incredible guilt that I have. “Okay…I’ll try. Only for you.” Her face lit up and gave me the same warm smile she always did. She wiped away my tears and hugged me for a long time. Her embrace loosened and she kissed me for one last time. “I have to go now, my love. I promise you that we will meet again.” She began to fade away with a smile on her face like always. The tears came pouring out once again. My eyes were heavy and started to close, seeping into the darkness.
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    "Forgiveness Books." Literature.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 20 Jan. 2025. <https://www.literature.com/book/forgiveness_3659>.

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