An International Row

"An International Row" by Robert Barr is a comedic novel that revolves around the humorous misunderstandings and cultural clashes that arise during an international conference. The story follows a group of delegates from various countries who find themselves entangled in a series of misadventures, fueled by their differing perspectives and quirky personalities. With Barr's trademark wit and satirical style, the narrative explores themes of diplomacy, communication, and the absurdities of global politics, all while delivering a lighthearted commentary on the complexities of international relations.

• Travel

								
                    “A simple child
That lightly draws its breath,
And feels its life in every limb,
What should it know of——” kicking up a row

(Note.—Only the last four words of the above poem are claimed as
original.)
“Then America declared war on England.”—History of 1812

Lady, not feeling particularly well, reclining in a steamer chair,
covered up with rags. Little girl beside her, who wants to know.
Gentleman in an adjoining steamer chair. The little girl begins to
speak.

“And do you have to pay to go in, mamma?”

“Yes, dear.”

“How much do you have to pay? As much as at a theatre?”

“Oh, you need not pay anything particular—no set sum, you know. You pay
just what you can afford.”

“Then it’s like a collection at church, mamma?”

“Yes, dear.”

“And does the captain get the money, mamma?”

“No, dear; the money goes to the poor orphans, I think.”

“Where are the orphans, mamma?”

“I don’t know, dear, I think they are in Liverpool.”

“Whose orphans are they, mamma?”

“They are the orphans of sailors, dear.”

“What kind of sailors, mamma?”

“British sailors, darling.”

“Aren’t there any sailors in America, mamma?”

“Oh yes, dear, lots of them.”

“And do they have any orphans?”

“Yes, dear, I suppose there are orphans there too.”

“And don’t they get any of the money, mamma?”

“I am sure I do not know, dear. By the way, Mr. Daveling, how is that?
Do they give any of the money to American orphans?”

“I believe not, madam. Subscriptions at concerts given on board British
steamers are of course donated entirely to the Seamen’s Hospital or
Orphanage of Liverpool.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem to be quite fair, does it? A great deal of the
money is subscribed by Americans.”

“Yes, madam, that is perfectly true.”

“I should think that ten Americans cross on these lines for every one
Englishman.”

“I am sure I do not know, madam, what the proportion is. The Americans
are great travellers, so are the English too, for that matter.”

“Yes; but I saw in one of the papers that this year alone over a
hundred thousand persons had taken their passage from New York to
England. It seems to me, that as all of them contribute to the receipts
of the concerts, some sort of a division should be made.”

“Oh, I have no doubt if the case were presented to the captain, he
would be quite willing to have part of the proceeds at least go to some
American seamen’s charity.”

“I think that would be only fair.”

Two young ladies, arm in arm, approach, and ask Mrs. Pengo how she is
feeling to-day.

Mrs. Pengo replies that she doesn’t suppose she will feel any better as
long as this rolling of the ship continues.

They claim, standing there, endeavouring to keep as perpendicular as
possible, that the rolling is something simply awful.

Then the lady says to them, “Do you know, girls, that all the money
subscribed at the concerts goes to England?”

“Why, no; I thought it went to some charity.”

“Oh, it does go to a charity. It goes to the Liverpool Seamen’s
Hospital.”

“Well, isn’t that all right?”

“Yes, it’s all right enough; but, as Sadie was just suggesting now, it
doesn’t seem quite fair, when there are orphans of sailors belonging to
America, and as long as such large sums are subscribed by Americans,
that the money should not be divided and part of it at least given to
an American charity.”

“Why, that seems perfectly fair, doesn’t it, Mr. Daveling?”

“Yes, it is perfectly fair. I was just suggesting that perhaps if the
state of things was presented to the captain, he would doubtless give a
portion at least of the proceeds to an American Seamen’s Home—if such
an institution exists.”

“Then,” remarked the other girl, “I propose we form a committee, and
interview the captain. I think that if Americans subscribe the bulk of
the money, which they certainly do, they should have a voice in the
disposal of it.”

This was agreed to on all hands, and so began one of the biggest rows
that ever occurred on board an Atlantic liner. Possibly, if the captain
had had any tact, and if he had not been so thoroughly impressed with
his own tremendous importance, what happened later on would not have
happened.

The lady in the steamer chair took little part in the matter, in fact
it was not at that time assumed to be of any importance whatever; but
the two young American girls were enthusiastic, and they spoke to
several of the passengers about it, both American and English. The
English passengers all recognised the justice of the proposed plan, so
a committee of five young ladies, and one young gentleman as spokesman,
waited upon the captain. The young ladies at first had asked the doctor
of the ship to be the spokesman; but when the doctor heard what the
proposal was, he looked somewhat alarmed, and stroked his moustache
thoughtfully.

“I don’t know about that,” he said; “it is a little unusual. The money
has always gone to the Liverpool Seamen’s Hospital, and—well, you see,
we are a conservative people. We do a thing in one way for a number of
years, and then keep on doing it because we have always done it in that
way.”

“Yes,” burst out one of the young ladies, “that is no reason why an
unjust thing should be perpetuated. Merely because a wrong has been
done is no reason why it should be done again.”

“True,” said the doctor, “true,” for he did not wish to fall out with
the young lady, who was very pretty; “but, you see, in England we think
a great deal of precedent.”

And so the result of it all was that the doctor demurred at going to
see the captain in relation to the matter. He said it wouldn’t be the
thing, as he was an official, and that it would be better to get one of
the passengers.

I was not present at the interview, and of course know only what was
told me by those who were there. It seems that the captain was highly
offended at being approached on such a subject at all. A captain of an
ocean liner, as I have endeavoured to show, is a very great personage
indeed. And sometimes I imagine the passengers are not fully aware of
this fact, or at least they do not show it as plainly as they ought to.
Anyhow, the committee thought the captain had been exceedingly gruff
with them, as well as just a trifle impolite. He told them that the
money from the concerts had always gone to the Liverpool Seamen’s
Hospital, and always would while he was commanding a ship. He seemed to
infer that the permission given them to hold a concert on board the
ship was a very great concession, and that people should be thankful
for the privilege of contributing to such a worthy object.

So, beginning with the little girl who wanted to know, and ending with
the captain who commanded the ship, the conflagration was started.

Such is British deference to authority that, as soon as the captain’s
decision was known, those who had hitherto shown an open mind on the
subject, and even those who had expressed themselves as favouring the
dividing of the money, claimed that the captain’s dictum had settled
the matter. Then it was that every passenger had to declare himself.

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