The Curious Saga of Captain Turdo Page #3

4 Meditations on the Tyranny of Materialism

• Satire

								


Episode II 
Big Doug was flying through outer space in his magical golden Volvo station wagon, tending to the shine of various stars and monitoring the orbits of various moons. Suddenly, he became exceedingly famished. “Hoo doggy, I must satisfy this hunger!” He said to himself as a comet whizzed by. “And nothing among these moon rocks shall do the trick!” So he piloted his Noble Vessel towards Earth, descended upon a highway outside of a town and marked his course for the closest restaurant. His compass informed him that he had arrived in the Land to the North. 
 As he drove, he saw no signs of life; only a few of the sun’s rays could escape a wall of pitiable gray haze built firmly around the horizon. But drawing closer to the city, he began to see several unusual signs and billboards. One had a picture of a glowing man wearing luxurious furs around his otherwise bare shoulders and a jewel encrusted crown upon his head. He was reclining on a long sofa and gazing longingly at the onlooker. A caption read, “Receive my loving grasp today! It’s easy, pleasurable and protects you and others from bitter cold and utter darkness!” Another had a photo of the same man but with an army helmet on, staring menacingly at the onlooker. The caption read, “Report a thought thinker today. Call 1-800-CAPTAIN.”  “Land to the North!” Big Doug exclaimed. “What new witchery has Bognar wrought upon you?!” 
Upon parking at a restaurant, his attention was immediately grabbed as he heard his name spoken by two individuals arguing a little ways off: “I don't know how much longer I can stand getting rejected like this, Gordie.  Norma is putting pressure on me to get grasped. We can’t do anything fun anymore without a grasping certificate. She wants to go out with her friends and live a normal life. And honestly, I don’t blame her. My boss is going to fire me soon if I don’t let the Captain grasp me. My life will be ruined!” “Norm, what would Big Doug want you to do?! Would he want you to get grasped?” “Gordie, we are adults. We need to focus on adult things. You know that Big Doug was only a figment of our youthful imagination.” “This world is not real, Norm! I mean, it’s not the most real thing. You are falling into the Captain’s trap. He wants you to focus only on what you can feel, see and taste to keep you from knowing the higher truth of Big Doug!”   “It's just one grasp, Gordie. It will be over in a blink of an eye. Then we can go on thinking about Big Doug.” “Norm! By receiving the Captain’s grasp, you agree to be his possession! You submit your body to his whim! Next, you will need two grasping certificates to eat, drink and be merry! Then three!”  “I don’t know Gordie... I have to go to work… Please leave me and Norma alone. I love her. We will make our own decision.”  
When the one called Norm departed, the one called Gordie looked down at the sidewalk dejectedly. “I must help this man,” exclaimed Big Doug. So he disguised himself, concealed his glory, and approached him. “What troubles you, my son?” Gordie looked up, clearly surprised at the massive stranger right in front of him. “My…my friend might be making a bad decision,” he muttered. Big Doug declared  “Surely a meal will lift your spirits. Come to eat with me!” Gordie looked down at the ground and replied, “I can't.” Why?”, questioned Big Doug. Gordie looked hesitantly at him, knowing that Turdo’s men were everywhere searching for those yet to be grasped. But when he looked into Big Doug’s eyes he saw a tenderness that told him he could trust him with the truth.  “I was just refused service from this restaurant because I don’t have a grasping certificate.” (For The first law that Captain Turdo had passed as king of the Land to the North was to forbid anyone from buying or selling without an authenticated certificate proving they had received his grasp). “Worry not,” said Big Doug. “I will get you some food. Come with me.” Gordie hesitantly followed the stranger. 
Blocking the front door of the restaurant was a large middle aged woman standing behind a podium. As the two neared the entrance of the restaurant, the woman called out to Gordie,  “I Just turned you away; shall I call the authorities?” Gordie stammered incoherently. Then Big Doug intervened:  “Why do you refuse this gentleman entrance into your establishment?”  For a moment the woman eyed up Big Doug hungrily, seeing his luxurious locks and giant bare chest, then said to him, “This young man told me that he forgot his grasping certificate at home. You must show your grasping certificate to enter.”  Big Doug responded plainly, “Why?” “In this establishment,” she continued, “we show love to everyone. We even love those who stubbornly reject the love of the Captain. But we only trust those who submit to his grasp.  Thought thinkers cannot be trusted to keep the Captain’s Peace.”  “And what has this Captain done for you?”, Big Doug countered. The woman responded enthusiastically: “His loving hands have spread pleasure and peace, destroying all division throughout our land!!” Then she paused and smiled knowingly. “...Only one who has not basked in his warm embrace, has not shivered from the sheer joy of his strong hands upon their shoulders, or has not had his tender touch wipe every tear from their eyes, would ask such a question. You two are thought thinkers!” 
She snapped her fingers and immediately every bystander was revealed to be wearing a police uniform. “Gentlemen,” she said in a commanding voice, “Shall we show these thought thinkers how much we love them?” Those in uniform responded as one: “We LOVE Thought thinkers! Oh yes! We LOVE Thought thinkers! Let our hands be filled with their supple flesh!  Let us grasp them! Let us grasp them!!”  The woman, the soldiers and the policemen all grasped each other, forming a circle around Big Doug and Gordie. There was no way out. Gordie began to panic. “Why did this crazy man have to bring me back here? I told him I couldn't eat!” The circle tightened around them. An overwhelming scent of sweat and cologne began to assault his nostrils.  The chorus of “Let us grasp them!” grew louder and stronger and harder and faster. Suddenly, Gordie heard the stranger next to him cry out,  “No hand can grasp me, for I rule the transcendent realm and with my invisible power I hold all things together. No shirt can cover my chest, and no shoes shall bind the souls of my feet, for everywhere I walk is holy ground.” Then he reached into a pocket of his cargo shorts and his mullet began to flow exceedingly, and the full glory of Big Doug was revealed. Gordie stood transfixed by wonder, unable to look away. The mullet flowed faster and faster, to the point that it kicked up a massive tornado that carried the woman, the policemen, the soldiers and the entire restaurant away. Then Big Doug reached into another pocket and, with a golden flash, his Volvo appeared at his side. He hopped in, and with a wink directed towards Gordie, blasted off towards the horizon. 

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