The Curious Saga of Captain Turdo Page #2

4 Meditations on the Tyranny of Materialism

• Satire

								

          Gordie awoke in a fit of panic, drenched in sweat. He threw off his blanket, rushed out of his room and jumped down the staircase. He flung open his front door and didn’t bother to close it. He could hear the distant sounding of a horn and saw in the distance, five vehicles approaching Norm’s driveway; large black SUVs were in front, behind and on either side of a floating chariot made of gold and precious jewels, cloaked in rainbows and fine linen. Gordie ran at top speed, leaped over a fence in one bound and burst open the back door of Norm’s house. He screamed, “Norm! Norma! Run! HE IS COMING!” There was no reply. Norm had his headphones on and was working in his office. His wife Norma was cleaning up breakfast dishes in the kitchen. “Norma! Listen to me. We must leave. Now!” Norma looked up from her chores and said, “Look Gordie, Norm has been working nights and days for weeks on end. He is so close to getting the raise of a lifetime. Neither Norm nor I are going to listen to your hysterics. We want to put down roots here and raise a family.” “NORMA! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Then Gordie ran to Norm and tore off his headphones. “Norm! Run!” Norm looked back, confused and weary eyed.
          Everyone’s attention was then drawn by a knock on the door and the sound of a loud clear voice: “Our records show that the members of this household have yet to be grasped by the Captain. Please, all of you, come out with your knees bent and your hearts prepared to receive his loving touch.”  The three looked at each other and Norm nodded to Gordie, “Ok. Let’s go.” Then they heard the voice again: “You must also bring out the stranger who is sitting in his car in your garage, for we have seen him enter and the captain desires to grasp him too!” Norm and Norma exchanged a perplexed glance. No one else lived at their house, and certainly no one was in the garage. 
     The three went cautiously toward the back door, but they could see Turdo’s henchman crouching in wait behind the bushes. “There’s no way out,” declared Norma. “Let’s check the garage,” countered Gordie. They went into the garage, and beheld a freshly made hole in the wall the shape of a station wagon. A little ways beyond the hole was a deep dark wood. “Big Doug is with us!” exclaimed Gordie triumphantly. Norma tried to hide her frown; she and Norm had just renovated the garage. The three took their chance and sprinted through the hole towards the nearby wood. Turdo’s henchman saw them running and took off after them. Just as they were about to enter the wood, Norma turned to look back at her house and possessions and the life that she was leaving behind. As Norm was diving into the woods, he saw Norma turn back and screamed “NO! NORMA, NO!! As she was looking back, one of Turdo’s henchmen jumped and caught her by the ankle. Three others caught up and pinned her to the ground. Captain Turdo skipped over to her, and lying down next to her, gently caressed her hair with the back of his hand. “There is no running from me, my sweet.” Then he grasped her. Norma’s eyes lit up and she cried out, “Ooh la la! How could I have ever resisted the Captain’s advances?! For who has a grasp like the Captain?! So subtle, yet firm! So soft yet robust! Indeed, there is no one like him!” And she grasped him in return. 
             From his hiding place in the woods, Norm let out a cry of anguish and Turdo’s henchmen turned towards him. Gordie dove to cover Norm’s mouth, but all the commotion was drowned out by the sudden roar of a four cylinder engine and a bright golden flash that blinded the Captain and all his henchmen. Norm and Gordie took their chance and disappeared into the deep dark wood. 
            After regaining his sight and realizing they were gone, Turdo began to weep. “Why don’t they love me? Can’t they see how nice my hands are?” “Don’t cry, my Captain,” his henchmen comforted him, “Everybody loves you! And besides, your hands will be filled with their flesh soon enough. They have nowhere to go, for Old Joe is closing the border as we speak.” 
          Meanwhile, Norm and Gordie were standing in the midst of the deep dark wood, unable to see the way forward. Suddenly, a bright golden pillar of light appeared above them, illuminating a narrow path. They started on their way down the path and the pillar went on before them, guiding their way.  After some time, they emerged from the woods and the golden pillar disappeared. The border with the Land to the South was now in sight. They could see a great wall stretching to the heavens, with only one panel remaining to be installed.  Old Joe had organized a ceremony to celebrate the installation of the final panel. Through the gap in the wall, they could see him standing on a podium, speaking before a small crowd of his supporters. “I have called together our nation to commemorate the most important moment in our history! We are here to close the…close the…the.., Oh!! Oh my, what a classic car! It reminds me of when I was driving along the fjords in the north sea! But ahhhh! The headlights are too bright! Ah! I can’t see!” And he covered his eyes and fell over, writhing in pain. His guards ran about trying to find the attacker and confusion and panic set in among the crowd. This allowed Norm and Gordie to cross through the gap in the wall unnoticed. They each took a deep breath and noticed that the air was sweeter and the atmosphere felt lighter upon their shoulders. Weary but relieved, they disappeared into the foreign land, beyond the grasp of the Captain. 

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