Skilled Assistance Page #3

"Skilled Assistance" by W. W. Jacobs is a humorous short story that explores the theme of miscommunication and unexpected consequences. Centered around the antics of a group of characters, the narrative unfolds in a lighthearted manner, showcasing Jacobs' signature wit and keen observations of human nature. Through a series of misadventures and clever dialogue, the story highlights the complexities of managing personal and professional relationships, ultimately illustrating that even the best-laid plans can go awry. Jacobs' engaging storytelling style invites readers into a world where skilled assistance is both sought after and humorously elusive.

• Humour
• Short story

								

mind wot to do.  I can't think--I ain't tasted food for two days.  If I
'ad any money in my pocket I'd 'ave a bite while you're gone.'

"'Why not get something?' ses Uncle Dick, putting his 'and in his pocket,
in a great 'urry to please him, and pulling out some silver.

"'Arry said 'e would, and then he stood on one side to let 'im pass, and
even put the knobby stick under 'im to help 'im up the companion-ladder.

"Uncle Dick passed me two minutes arterwards without a word, and set off
down the road as fast as 'is little legs 'ud carry 'im.  I watched 'im
out o' sight, and then I went on board the schooner to see how 'Arry 'ad
got on.

"Arry,' I ses, when he 'ad finished, 'you're a masterpiece!'

"'I know I am,' he ses.  'Wot about that other 'arf-quid?'

"'Here it is,' I ses, giving it to 'im.  'Fair masterpiece, that's wot
you are.  They may well call you Artful.  Shake 'ands.'

"I patted 'im on the shoulder arter we 'ad shook 'ands, and we stood
there smiling at each other and paying each other compliments.

"'Fancy 'em sitting 'ere and waiting for you to come back from that
bite,' I ses.

"'I ought to 'ave 'ad more off of him,' ses 'Arry.  ''Owever, it can't be
helped.  I think I'll 'ave a lay down for a bit; I'm tired.'

"'Better be off,' I ses, shaking my 'ead.  'Time passes, and they might
come back afore you think.'

"'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.

"'Wot of it?' I ses.  'Why, it'ud spoil everything.  It 'ud be blue
ruin.'

"'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.

"'Sartin,' I ses.

"'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.

"I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself up
and told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.

"'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses.  'I shouldn't be
much of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip.  Why, I shouldn't
be able to look myself in the face.  Where's the skipper?'

"'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.

"'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry.  'I don't mean five more,
on'y four.  Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal square
and honest.'

"I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinking
of, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy.  When we got to the cabin we
found the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wot
he'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'im
through the skylight.

"'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch a
policeman.'

"'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,
not a policeman.  Didn't the watchman tell you?'

"'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.

"'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.

"It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out
'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen and
tenpence ha' penny.  Will you go if I give you that?'

"''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry.  'His lodger lost 'is purse
the other day.'

"I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was more
trouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,
and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it.  The skipper gave way at last, and
as soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, and
look slippy about it.'

"I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that was
no good, I put the other.  It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.

"I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd go
when 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.
It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on the
skylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit would
turn up fust.

"Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,
and the skipper come through.  He jumped on deck without a word, and
then, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.

"'Right-o,' ses 'Arry.  'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'

"He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,
and playing with 'is stick.

"'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'

"'Arry smiled and nodded at him.  Then he stepped on to the wharf and was
just moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and in
came Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.

"'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick.  'That's the man!'

"Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating.  Her
face was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard her
breath fifty yards away.

"'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you're
the man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'

"'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'

"'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.

"'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me.  'I told 'im I thought
'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it.  I've got a bad memory, so I left it
to 'im.'

"'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath.  'Ho!  I thought as much.
Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself--eh?'

"She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her.  I've
been scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixing
my eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er.  So long as I
kept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything.  I knew that.
Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I went
over back'ards in twelve foot of water.

"Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;
it stopped her talking.  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;
but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick--wot married her--they've
been in hot water ever since."
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