Skilled Assistance Page #2

"Skilled Assistance" by W. W. Jacobs is a humorous short story that explores the theme of miscommunication and unexpected consequences. Centered around the antics of a group of characters, the narrative unfolds in a lighthearted manner, showcasing Jacobs' signature wit and keen observations of human nature. Through a series of misadventures and clever dialogue, the story highlights the complexities of managing personal and professional relationships, ultimately illustrating that even the best-laid plans can go awry. Jacobs' engaging storytelling style invites readers into a world where skilled assistance is both sought after and humorously elusive.

• Humour
• Short story

								

seven o'clock next night, if so be as I could find 'im in time.

"I got up early the next arternoon, and as it 'appened, he came into the
'Duke of Edinburgh' five minutes arter I got there.  Nasty temper 'e was
in, too.  He'd just found a meerschaum pipe, as usual, and the very fust
man 'e tried to sell it to said that it was the one 'e lost last
Christmas, and gave 'im a punch in the jaw for it.

"'He's a thief, that's wot he is,' ses 'Arry; 'and I 'ate thiefs.  'Ow's
a honest tradesman to make a living when there's people like that about?'

"I stood 'im 'arf a pint, and though it hurt 'im awful to drink it, he
said 'ed 'ave another just to see if he could bear the pain.  Arter he
had 'ad three 'e began for to take a more cheerful view o' life, and told
me about a chap that spent three weeks in the London 'Orsepittle for
calling 'im a liar.

"'Treat me fair,' he ses, 'and I'll treat other people fair.  I never
broke my word without a good reason for it, and that's more than
everybody can say.  If I told you the praise I've 'ad from some people
you wouldn't believe it.'

"I let 'im go on till he 'ad talked 'imself into a good temper, and then I
told 'im of the little job I 'ad got for 'im.  He listened quiet till I
'ad finished, and then he shook 'is 'ead.

"'It ain't in my line,' he ses.

"'There's 'arf a quid 'anging to it,' I ses.

"'Arry shook his 'ead agin.  'Tain't enough, mate,' he ses.  'If you was
to make it a quid I won't say as I mightn't think of it.'

"I 'ad told the skipper that it might cost 'im a quid, so I knew 'ow far
I could go; and at last, arter 'Arry 'ad got as far as the door three
times, I gave way.

"'And I'll 'ave it now,' he ses, 'to prevent mistakes.'

"'No, 'Arry,' I ses, very firm.  'Besides, it ain't my money, you see.'

"'You mean to say you don't trust me,' 'e ses, firing up.

"'I'd trust you with untold gold,' I ses, 'but not with a real quid;
you're too fond of a joke, 'Arry.'

"We 'ad another long argyment about it, and I had to tell 'im plain at
last that when I wanted to smell 'is fist, I'd say so.

"'You turn up at the wharf at five minutes to seven,' I ses, 'and I'll
give you ten bob of it; arter you've done your business I'll give you the
other.  Come along quiet, and you'll see me waiting at the gate for you.'

"He gave way arter a time, and, fust going 'ome for a cup o' tea, I went
on to the wharf to tell the skipper 'ow things stood.

"'It couldn't 'ave 'appened better,' he ses.  'Uncle Dick is sure to be
aboard at that time, 'cos 'e's going acrost the water at eight o'clock to
pay 'er a visit.  And all the hands'll be away.  I've made sure of that.'

"He gave me the money for Artful 'Arry in two 'arf-suverins, and then we
went over to the 'Albion' for a quiet glass and a pipe, and to wait for
seven o'clock.

"I left 'im there at ten minutes to, and at five minutes to, punctual to
the minute, I see 'Arry coming along swinging a thick stick with a knob
on the end of it.

"'Where's the 'arf thick-un?' he ses, looking round to see that the coast
was clear.

"I gave it to 'im, and arter biting it in three places and saying it was
a bit short in weight he dropped it in 'is weskit-pocket and said 'e was
ready.

"I left 'im there for a minute while I went and 'ad a look round.  The
deck of the Snipe was empty, but I could 'ear Uncle Dick down in the
cabin singing; and, arter listening for a few seconds to make sure that
it was singing, I went back and beckoned to 'Arry.

"'He's down in the cabin,' I ses, pointing.  'Don't overdo it, 'Arry, and
at the same time don't underdo it, as you might say.'

"'I know just wot you want,' ses 'Arry, 'and if you'd got the 'art of a
man in you, you'd make it two quids.'

"He climbed on board and stood listening for a moment at the companion,
and then 'e went down, while I went off outside the gate, so as to be out
of earshot in case Uncle Dick called for me.  I knew that I should 'ear
all about wot went on arterwards--and I did.

"Artful 'Arry went down the companion-ladder very quiet, and then stood
at the foot of it looking at Uncle Dick.  He looked 'im up and down and
all over, and then 'e gave a fierce, loud cough.

"'Good-evening,' he ses.

"'Good-evening,' ses Uncle Dick, staring at 'im.  'Did you want to see
anybody?'

"'I did,' ses 'Arry.  'I do.  And when I see 'im I'm going to put my arms
round 'im and twist 'is neck; then I'm going to break every bone in 'is
body, and arter that I'm going to shy 'im overboard to pison the fishes
with.'

"'Dear me!' ses Uncle Dick, shifting away as far as 'e could.

"'I ain't 'ad a wink o' sleep for two nights,' ses 'Arry--'not ever since
I 'eard of it.  When I think of all I've done for that woman-working for
'er, and such-like-my blood boils.  When I think of her passing 'erself
off as a widder--my widder--and going out with another man, I don't know
wot to do with myself.'

"Uncle Dick started and turned pale.  Fust 'e seemed as if 'e was going
to speak, and then 'e thought better of it.  He sat staring at 'Arry as
if 'e couldn't believe his eyes.

"'Wot would you do with a man like that?' ses 'Arry.  'I ask you, as man
to man, wot would you do to 'im?'

"'P'r'aps-p'r'aps 'e didn't know,' ses Uncle Dick, stammering.

"'Didn't know!' ses 'Arry.  'Don't care, you mean.  We've got a nice
little 'ome, and, just because I've 'ad to leave it and lay low for a bit
for knifing a man, she takes advantage of it.  And it ain't the fust
time, neither.  Wot's the matter?'

"'Touch-touch of ague; I get it sometimes,' ses Uncle Dick.

"'I want to see this man Finch,' ses 'Arry, shaking 'is knobby stick.
'Muffit, my name is, and I want to tell 'im so.'

"Uncle Dick nearly shook 'imself on to the floor.

"'I--I'll go and see if 'e's in the fo'c'sle,' he ses at last.

"'He ain't there, 'cos I've looked,' ses 'Arry, 'arf shutting 'is eyes and
looking at 'im hard.  'Wot might your name be?'

"'My name's Finch,' ses Uncle Dick, putting out his 'ands to keep him
off; 'but I thought she was a widder.  She told me her 'usband died ten
years ago; she's deceived me as well as you.  I wouldn't ha' dreamt of
taking any notice of 'er if I'd known.  Truth, I wouldn't.  I should'nt
ha' dreamt of such a thing.'

"Artful 'Arry played with 'is stick a little, and stood looking at 'im
with a horrible look on 'is face.

"''Ow am I to know you're speaking the truth?' he ses, very slow.  'Eh?
'Ow can you prove it?'

"'If it was the last word I was to speak I'd say the same,' ses Uncle
Dick.  'I tell you, I am as innercent as a new-born babe.'

"'If that's true,' ses 'Arry, 'she's deceived both of us.  Now, if I let
you go will you go straight off and bring her 'ere to me?'

"'I will,' ses Uncle Dick, jumping up.

"''Arf a mo,' ses 'Arry, holding up 'is stick very quick.  'One thing is,
if you don't come back, I'll 'ave you another day.  I can't make up my

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