On the Value of Dogmatic Utterance

"On the Value of Dogmatic Utterance" by Charles Battell Loomis is a contemplative exploration of the role that assertive and dogmatic statements play in communication and philosophical discourse. Loomis delves into the significance of definitive expressions, examining how they shape understanding and influence dialogue. The work combines wit and insight, challenging readers to consider the implications of certainty in belief and the potential for meaningful engagement in a world often filled with ambiguity. Through this examination, Loomis invites readers to reflect on their own convictions and the power of language in shaping thought and society.

• Short story

								
FROM MY “GUIDE TO YOUNG AUTHORS”

My dear young reader, if you are thinking of launching a little craft
upon the troublous sea of literature, see that it is well ballasted
with dogmatic assertions. (I should like to continue this nautical
metaphor further, but I am such a landlubber that I doubt if I should
be able to mix it properly, and what interest has a metaphor if it
be not well mixed?) But to continue in plain English: A dogmatic
assertion carries conviction to the minds of most unthinking
people--in other words, to most people. (You and I don’t think, dear
reader, and is it likely that we are worse than the rest of mankind?)

If you purpose becoming a novelist of character, follow my
directions, and your first book will nail your reputation to the mast
of public opinion. Fill your story full of such utterances as these:
“Chaplain Dole always nodded his head a great many times to express
affirmation. This is a common practice with persons who are a little
hard of hearing.” (It isn’t, and yet it may be, for all I know to the
contrary; but it will carry weight. Nine persons out of ten will say,
“Why, that’s so, isn’t it? Haven’t you noticed it?”)

It doesn’t matter what you say; if you say it dogmatically it
will go. Thus: “She walked with the slow, timid step that is so
characteristic of English spinsters.” That’s a fine one, for it may
excite contradiction, and contradiction is advertisement. Here are
half a dozen examples: “He tapped his forehead with his left little
finger, a gesture peculiar to people who have great concentration of
mind.” “His half-closed eyes proclaimed him a shrewd business man.
Why is it that your keen man of affairs should always look out at
the world through a slit?” “The child spoke in that raucous tone of
voice that always presages cerebral trouble.” “Miss de Mure waved
her fan languidly, with a scarcely perceptible wrist motion, a sure
indication that she was about to capitulate, but Mr. Wroxhaemme,
not being a keen observer, took no note of it.” And, “He spoke but
three words, yet you sensed that he was an advocate. Why is it that a
lawyer cannot conceal his profession? A doctor may talk all day, and
if he bar shop his vocation will not be detected; but a lawyer tunes
up his vocal chords, as it were, and the secret is out.”

If all the above specimens of “observation” were introduced into
your story the critics would unite in praising your keenness of
vision.

Perhaps you would like to figure as a musical author. Few authors
know anything about music, and you don’t have to; dogmatism and
alliteration in equal parts will take the trick. Please step this way
(as they say in the stores) and I will show you.

“She played Chopin divinely--but she did not care to clean dishes.
Chopin and care of a house do not coalesce. A girl may love Beethoven
and yet busy herself with baking; Bach and the Beatitudes are not
antagonistic; Haydn, Handel, and housekeeping hunt together; Schumann
and Schubert are not incompatible with sweetness and serenity of
demeanor and a love for sewing; Mozart and Mendelssohn may be admired
and the girl will also love to mend stockings; Weber and work may
be twins: but Chopin and cooking, Wagner and washing, Berlioz or
Brahms and basting, Dvořák and vulgar employment--or Dvořák and
darning (according as you pronounce Dvořák)--are eternally at war.
So, when I have said that Carlotta was a devotee of Chopin, I have
implied that her poor old mother did most of the housework, while the
sentimental maiden coquetted with the keys continually.”

Fill your stories with such bits of false observation, and
ninety-nine persons out of a hundred will accept them at their
face-value; which remark, being in itself a dogmatic assertion, will
doubtless carry weight and conviction with it.
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