Love beyond dark

• Non-Fiction

								
She was a hurt little girl. Born into a cruel world where everything was taken from her by the time she was 6. The traumatic experiences, where she was never told to speak about it. She had to keep quiet the things she wanted to once tell because she wanted to be heard. She didn't have a voice; she was too young to understand what was happening to her. She was too young to be understood, no one listened, they always told her she was exaggerating that what she had to say was never important, she still doesn't feel important. She layed low all the time, never having friends, never being able to talk about her problems. She never has and never will. She was told to go to therapy, but the one person she was told to talk to never listened and never made anything better. You never knew if she was carrying the weight of the world or dancing in a daydream. There was no time for her to be sad to realize that what had been done to her was wrong, there were no words to ever explain how she felt. All the broken promises that were never fulfilled, all the half I love you’s that were never meant. By the people she had no choice but to love. She was always forced to love, but she never knew what love is, the feeling of being safe around someone, the way you see the perfect families in movies, and she realized her home is broken, and it will never be perfect. It's the ideal of being perfect that she never understood, having everyone look at you like you're special. But no one would ever look at her like that, she wasn't special, she's broken. In a million pieces, her heart is barely beating. She's safe in the walls that surround her and only to recover nothing but a mind that's blank and filled with pain. The words on the walls that were never written, in which she makes up in her
 
 imagination, hurtful things people have said. No one protected her; she didn’t have that father figure that space in her house was always empty. Never filled, like her heart it will forever be half empty, with a constant leak filled with the words and actions that once hurt her over again. She's a strong little girl, she has more will then most but she lacks; she lacks what was never given to her as a child, she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, which crushes her little by little everyday. Who is she really? “ She’s just a little girl,” they said. Not knowing that those five words would stick with her the rest of her life. The constant pain and agony that she suffers day-to-day, the things she has to bring to school with her, she cant let go she doesn't know how to. She was persistent, with the way she wanted certain things, the way she parts her hair, anyway to make herself look different she did. She’d stare into the mirror everyday dissatisfied with the way things were. The way she looked, the way she smiled, just the way she saw herself was never enough for her. She changed not for the better for the worse she didn’t recognize herself. She wasn’t sure if things happened for a reason or if she was the problem. She didn’t quite understand the world, it's a very malevolent place to be, surrounded by evil, never having the answers to her questions. Nothing was set for her, she moved often, always having to start new, continuously having to be the “new girl”. The constant changes are always being made. Now she's scared of change, scared of committing to one thing; the constant need of reassurance. There's always something lacking in her life, something she doesn't know how to change or fix to make it better. She struggled with things that are beyond words. She doesn’t speak, they think it's a story being told; in reality it's her life, the things that have hurt her like no other. I haven't been me, the me who laughs and smiles, has everything going the way I wanted it to. But I'm a wreck because of you.

 I was mistaken. What brought me to you? Why did life bring you into my path? Just to see you disappear once more. In addition, to destroy me. What precisely am I supposed to comprehend? I'm human isn't that right? Maybe I just became too connected. That mistake is among my best. However, that mistake hurt. I’m in trouble and I'm lost, what to say I'm at a loss. It's my fault. Please excuse my hope. I apologize for my joy, I'm sorry I thought we were a good thing. But we all know how that goes, not all good things last forever. It's the way life works right? Everyone always ends up leaving no matter the circumstances. Doesn't matter how hard one tries, it won't be enough. Deep down she always had hope, in herself and other people. What good did that do? Her heart always hurts, people that like breaking promises are all she knows. That hurt little girl, wasn't so little anymore she grew up but still doesnt know what love feels like. She wonders why, but she's never surprised. Always expecting something bad to happen, before it does, out of all the possible outcomes she knows what's right and it gets proven every single time. It's always “don't overthink it” her brain never stops thinking, it's constantly overwhelming her with all of her thoughts. They consume any happiness she has, there's never a break “she's not worthy of one.” To what accomplishments does she owe happiness to? “None” she says, no matter how hard she works it's never enough, no one is ever proud of her. She says she's okay, but she doesn't want questions, because nobody cares until it's brought to their attention. Trust is what she lacks, she knows that. But how does one fix that? She sits in her room every day and night and constantly wonders about the questions that cannot be answered. she ‘s falling deeper and deeper everyday with the constant struggle waiting for someone to help her get out but no one has, she constantly has to pull herself out and she does. She's never relied on people, no one has ever given her a

 reason to but she has moved past that.. Even though the little girl grew up, she still is hurting but the only difference between now and then is that she knows how to cope with healthier ways and better things that allow her to be somewhat happy. This little girl loves too hard, she doesnt ever receive the love that she gives out. She doesn't know what it feels like to receive the attention she gives out to others.. She's always giving out 100% only for her to receive 10%, and at the end of that she is always the one who is looked down upon. It's always the constant fights that she has to survive through but, her heart is in a million pieces waiting for it to be put back together. Maybe not by other people but her own ways to fix what had been broken. It's not fair to her, she didn't break her own heart all the men in her life all have left at some point and never returned. How is she meant to trust words, actions speak louder then words ever will.
P.s. I wish I never turned out this way
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