Love

The fear of love

• Poetry
• Romance
• Health

								
Love is something you read about. Fantasies are something you dream about. But somehow you get caught up in all the mess, all the pain that makes you feel like you going insane, almost like a knot. A knot that you can’t untie, like it’s grabbed onto your fingers and suffocated them until they turn blue. And you don’t know how to breathe because you can’t believe that something that symbolizes love and friendship has strangled you like you had done something wrong. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve the constant pain, the constant nagging that you have to put up with. The stress and anger that you gain within a second like everything has happened in the blink of an eye, in the switch of a button. The chasing back and forth like a rowing boat in the ocean struggling to be controlled due to the strong currents, struggling to make a decision on where to go. And even when you do try and make that decision the waves will come and wash your dreams away like they were never there, wash all the memories away and yet somehow you still thought you could be loved again by the same person. What have I told you? Don’t run back to the past you left for a reason. I can’t believe that people are destroyed by the ones they love the most in this world. In a world where people fear danger, I fear love. Maybe it’s right in front of us, and we don’t see it, maybe the danger is love. 

I say I hate love, I hate it in the palm of my hand like I wish I could throw it to the side of my plate and forget about it, because my plate it too full. To full of my past that I want to be able to understand, that I want to get rid of and remove the pain for it not to happen again. Although love would always grab me by the shoulder and try and drag me down, try to make me fall for its tricks, but I’ve been there. I have been loved by many families and left by many families to the point where I don’t believe in it anymore. Although love is also beautiful. I have dreamt about the day when I finally accept it. I finally accept the fact that I can be loved, and I want to be loved. But not today, I’m not ready because when I love, I love like you're the only one on my mind, like you are the bandage to my heart which I fear you will tear apart. I'm the type of person that will spend my time and effort making sure your life is perfect and forgetting about mine. I’ll make sure your needs are met. Your clothes are folded and neatly put away. I’ll make sure you have someone by your side. I'll be your warm blanket on a cold winters night. A hand to hold when you need to fight. I will digest your pain and clear your brain from the thoughts that make you feel like you’re going mentally insane. I’ll protect you like my peace and sanity. Like the people that I used to love, like the stars and galaxy as an escape from reality. But I feared that in the end you would be the missing piece to my jigsaw that I could never live without, yet I also feared that you would leave me because you had already built your heart elsewhere, even when I tore my own to make sure yours was happy.
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