I see you as a boy

• Series
• Short story
• Self help

								
I'm not a real guy. I'll never be. 

I can hunch over and cut my hair short, but my chest will always poke out a bit too much, and my short hair accentuates my round and girly face.

I know this deep down, and everybody else knows too.

They act like I can't hear the snickers when I walk into the all gender bathroom, like I don't hear the rumours, like I don't know I'm a freak.

I walk into 4th period, keeping my head down as usual. There's someone new today... He comes over and sits next to me. 
 He sits next to me? 

He smiles at me as he takes out his books. He tells me he switched classes. I nod. If I talk, he'll know I'm not a boy like him. 

Days pass. 

New boy is kind. He has beautiful eyes and fluffy hair. He's so fucking pretty. I really cant tell if I want him or if I want to be him.

He smiles at me again and I feel my heart thump in my chest. Both. Its both.

 I wish i was him. I wish I had his fluffy brown hair. I wish I had his amber eyes. I wish i had his perfectly straight teeth. I wish i lit up the room with my smile. I wish someone saw me the way i see him. 

And i want him to love me. I want him to hug me and tell me everythings gonna be okay. I want him to be proud to date a trans guy. 

I want him to be proud to date me. 

After class, he asks for my number, and my heart stops in my chest.

'I think youre really cool, if you dont want to give me your number its fine, but-'

'No-!'

I say. Did i say that too quickly? I dont care at this point. I love him. 

'I'll give you my number-'

We exchange numbers. He asks me my name. Hes heard people call me by my deadname before though, right?

I tell him I go by Xavier. He nods and tells me his name is Jake. I like his name. 

I briefly see him put a heart after my name in his contact. 

He can't feel the way i do, right?

Hes a boy, and Im a boy.

 Am i a boy?
 
Am i a boy to him?

We talk for days through the phone.

I stay up till midnight almost every night talking to him. 

I know I'll be tired the next day, but its worth it for him. 

Hes funny, and kind, and remembers small details about me. 

I still havent told him I'm trans. 

Would he care?

Would he shun me like everyone else has?

He texts me. He says he wants to call. 

I agree, even though calling him makes me feel shitty. 

I call him, he picks up, and immediately smiles. 

Would he smile if he knew?

'Xavier!!'

'Dude! Whats up?'

'I wanna tell you something...'

I can hear my own heartbeat now. Does he know?

'Yeah?'

'I dunno if youre okay with all that LGBTQ stuff, but I really like you...'

He likes me? But hes perfect. This must be a prank or something. I stay quiet, not knowing if he was joking or not. 

'Im gay, my parents dont know, but-'

He goes quiet. I hear him shuffling in the backround.

He was serious about it. He does like me. But would he still like me if he knew?

'Im trans-'

I blurt out. He doesnt respond, but immediately ends the call. 

...

He ended the call. 

I knew it. 

I knew he wouldnt like me if i was trans...

I quickly message him.

'You there?'

No response.

'Hello?'

I stare at my phone for a few seconds, already feeling tears forming in my eyes.

The only boy id ever loved. He had loved me too. 

But i was too much of a freak for him. 

That night was terrible. I couldnt stop thinking about him. About him and me. 

About what we could have been if i wasnt trans. 

It was all too much. 

He might not have known, but he was the only thing keeping me alive. 

And now hes gone.

Because of me. 

I stared at the painkiller pills on my dresser. 

Trans people dont go to heaven...

But hell had to be better than this.

I grab the bottle and pour out the pills into my hand. 

I carefully take out the notes i already had from before i met him. 

I didn't have one for him because i never thought about it while i knew him. 

I open my phone. He hadn't even read my messages. 

He probably blocked me. 

I typed out a long paragraph explaining how much i loved him and how i was sorry to go, sorry that i was trans. 

I didn't send it. I just ended up sending:

'Im sorry.'
'I love you'

He doesn't see that either. I power off my phone and stand up, carefully scattering the notes on my desk. 

The pills in my hand dont weigh much. Would they be the last amount of weight id ever feel in my hands?

Do i want to do this?

Is that even a question?

Who would care?

Before i could rethink it again i take the pills to my mouth and gulp them down. 

They dont go down easily, catching in my throat. I dont care. Theyll get the job done. 

I lean back in my bed and stare at the ceiling. Im very tired now. 

The ceiling is moving. 

Im tired

More tired than ive ever been

Everything goes black. 

Then everything goes bright. 

Really bright. 

Was this hell?

It smells like antiseptic.

My eyes slowly adjust to the bright lights. 

Its a hospital room. 

I hear a slight snore next to me. 

I look over. 

And through the wires, he was there. Jake. Still as pretty as ever. I touch his arm lightly, and he jolts up.

'Xavier- youre awake-'

His eyes tear up. Why was he here?

'Im sorry, Xavier. I love you. I do. Im sorry i hung up. My dad walked in. He heard you say youre trans. He took away my phone. Im sorry. i do love you.'

My eyes start to tear up, too.

'I had to skip school. My parents dont know im here. You've been out for two days. I- i thought i lost you'

'Jake- Im sorry. I didnt know what to do. I- i just wish i was cis-'

'I see you as a boy, dont worry love-'

And thats all it takes for me to start sobbing. He holds me tightly, and i can tell he's sobbing, too. 
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