English as She is Taught Page #8

As the greatest compliment that could be paid a writer would be the assumption that the material contained in this little volume was the product of that writer's ingenuity or imagination, it seems needless for the compiler to state that every line is just what it purports to be, - bona fide answers to questions asked in the public schools. Mark Twain, with his inimitable drollery, comments in the "Century Magazine" for April, 1887, upon "English As She is Taught." Even this master of English humor acknowledges his inability to comprehend how such

• Humour

								


                            On Umbrellas.

The matereal at the top of an umbrella is placed on a skeleton of whales which meet all together in one place. They do be covered with silk, alpaca and Satan.

                             On Indians.

Indians go out naked in the summer an they take ahold of their scalp locks and cut off the other side of their heads. They wear it on their sides. Indians food consists of corn and food. They use smoking instead of tanning. They paint their skind in the color of animals.

                          George Washington.

George Washington was the first president of the United States born in Virginia in the year. When George was a little boy he would never tell a lie. Because he thought it was not nice. It tis not nice nether. He studied all kinds of things to be a president.

                           Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln was born in Wales in 1599. His father was a wool-comer, but Abraham did not like that trade. One day Abraham was standing on the railroad and a man by the name of Guitue came behind and shot him. Then he got put in jail for it. But it was not nice of him because he shot him on the railroad.

                             On Reading.

Reading makes us intelligent; and learn about things we would otherwise hear nothing.

It is pleasant to recapitulate stories to persons who probably have not had the opportunity of reading them and it therefore passes many a dreary hour away and makes many a person renew his happiness by hoping for such a favorable end as some characters as are described in the book.

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If we did not have the capacity of reading we might wait all our lives and never secure the desired information, but if instead of waiting for some one to tell us we take the book or paper or whatever it might happen to be and read it for ourselves we will be much better satisfied and also have the consolation of knowing we discovered it for ourselves and did not have to wait for other people to come and furnish us with the desired information.

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In reading there is a large amount of knowledge attained for it enlarged the mind while reading and continues until we pass away.

When we read we come across words that when we hear them spoken of we are entirely ignorant of them.

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The untutored mind is often surprisingly expanded in reading for only a short while a little every day. Then when we hear certain subjects spoken of we do not wonder what it all means.

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Reading the talents of others helps us to compose something that may help us in future life. Without reading we should not know any thing about our forefathers or how we came to be civilized. What would we know about religion if we did not read our Bible and find out how religion originated?

                              On Girls.

Girls are very stuckup and dignefied in their maner and behaveyour. They think more of dress than any thing and like to play with dowls and rags. They cry if they see a cow in afar distance and are afraid of guns. They stay at home all the time and go to Church every Sunday. They are al-ways sick. They are al-ways funy and making fun of boys hands and they say how dirty. They cant play marbels. I pity them poor things. They make fun of boys and then turn round and love them. I dont beleave they ever kiled a cat or any thing. They look out every nite and say oh ant the moon lovely. Thir is one thing I have not told and that is they always now their lessons bettern boys.

                        On Timidity of Women.

Timidity is a disease very prevelent among our American women. It is thought by them to be an ornament to their charms.

How many young women faint by the sudden appearance of a rat from its hideing place. Oh! they do declare it’s impossible to live where these dreadful creatures make their homes they ask Ma cant she and wont she please to try to secure some remedy so they can be destroyed. You will see the young ladies leap up over stones and steps of great height so as to escape the barks of the dog, if they are walking with a friend of the male kind they will cling to the masculine arm and beseach him to walk so that she might loose sight of that horrible creature known as a dog.

I do think their cases of timidity that cannot be governed such as cases of intemperance fighting and death. We dont want to see any man come along the street destitute of reasoning and come reeling suddenly by you. Also the expectation of death when we see a loved sister going away from a cherished circle.

It cannot be endured, but I have no objections for these cases but the preceding ones are ridiculous and I beseach you to reject it remembering you shall have to undergo greater trials than those related.

                             On Poverty.

How many persons possess it! They are persons whose poverty cannot be endured they had enjoyed preceding years in wealth and by some mishap in the family they became poor and how can they endeavor to forget that time when their happiness could not be expressed but now their troubles shall be discovered.

Poverty is a case that cannot be hidden it must be let known so that the possessors may obtain condolence in some way. Places for poor persons are not of much importance for the care of them is not worth mentioning.

Some poor persons with a great deal of poverty would rather walk from house to house in search of some nourishment than inhabit those institutions but what a number of times they are driven from the door with the contemptuousness of the rich how many slang words are said to them.

If our comfortable friends should remember those persons casting away food raiment and apparel they would be less cases of poverty and when sickness overtakes such persons lend a helping hand their consciences would less smite them.

                            On Politeness.

Politeness is to say and do the kindest way. I think it is easier for girls to be polite than for boys, but I am not sure as I have never been a girl. Politeness is used in all parts of the United States.

                        On the Play of Hamlet.

Hamlet was a young man very nervous. He was always dressed in black because his uncle had killed his father by shooting him in his ear. He could not go to the theatre because his father was dead so he had the actors come to his house and play in the front parlor and he learned them to say the words because he thought he knew best how to say them. And then he thought he’d kill the king but he didn’t. Hamlet liked Ophelia. He thought she was a very nice girl but he didn’t marry her because she was going to be a nunnery. Hamlet went to England but he did not like it very much so he came home. Then he jumped into Ophelia’s grave and fought a duel with her brother. Then he died.
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