After he left me

• Non-Fiction
• Diaries

								
I had a feeling that things were not quite right. I didn’t believe in a gut feeling before I met him but it screamed at me every day I was with him. Though I always chose to ignore it. People say your body reacts badly when it knows that you’re with the wrong person and they’re right. My face was always breaking out no matter what products I used and my hair was always greasy no matter how much I washed it.

He got me to fall completely and utterly head over heels in love with him before he simply snapped his fingers, changed character and turned it off. It was like a fun game for him to see how far I would go to have his love. I would have taken a bullet for him without a second thought but little did I know he would be the one shooting the gun. I was the stupid one. Did his friends put him up to it? Were they that bored with their own lives that they found humour in him toying with me?  No wonder why they acted weird around me. They knew. 

Why me? Why couldn’t he have picked a girl who would have just gotten over it or had been strong enough to get revenge and make him regret it. Rather than the girl who never forgets anything and overthinks every day of her life. The girl who is currently laying in bed, late at night, writing in her stupid diary about her dumb feelings about a heartless boy who ended it months ago and has probably slept with 50 other girls since then while she has barely even left her room.

The girl who I hate is me for being so blind to what everybody else could clearly see. Or maybe I just chose not to look. I think once he changed I tried to hold onto the version of him I once had. The version of him that gave me his all, surprised me with fun dates and loved me as much as he said he did. I ask myself how could someone switch so suddenly. The answer is they can’t. You physically can’t treat someone you love the way he treated me after he switched his ways. He never loved me; it was all a lie. But I loved him for too long to ever hate him even though I know I should. I know my family and friends I pushed away during the relationship due to his manipulation have a murder plan all set up for him. They still don’t even know everything. I’m scared of what they would do if they did.

I never understood why people would find it so hard to leave toxic relationships like how could you stay with that person when you feel more hate than love from them. The concept of loving someone so deeply even if they were hurting you physically or mentally but still not wanting to leave made no sense in my brain. You could say I got given karma for judging people as I became the person I once would have judged. 

Being in a relationship like that destroys you, it really does. Especially with your first everything. It’s like being in a prison in your own mind. It’s self torture, they aren’t abusing you but you’re just abusing yourself. The sad thing is it happens to the best people. The innocent ones I guess. We’re vulnerable and everyone can see it. The people who feel all of their feelings so deeply, the people who would rather have the power to make everyone else happy even if it meant they were miserable, the people who would rather get hurt again and again than be the one to do the hurting, the people who rethink every situation that they have been in, over analyse it on the daily and hate themselves for it like it was recorded and assessed.

I think about the times it was coming to an end, remembering how I felt.  The times I broke down in bed every night, after everyone was asleep, screaming at the world in silence. Praying on every shooting star and four leaf clover to knock some sense back into his brain to see how much damage he was doing. Or even better for him to turn back into the boy I wished he was and begged him to be. I knew my love for him was unhealthy when I was being physically sick when I could tell over the way he texted that he had a bad day and it would have been taken out on me. I wish I never met him that day. I would rather have missed out on the love I felt if this was always the ending of our story.

All these thoughts racing around my head. His words imprinted like a tattoo in my mind, trapping me from ever moving on. Wondering if he has ever given me a second thought since he left. Or was this his plan all along? Leaving his mark on every girl just to break their heart.
								Rate this book:0.0 / 0 votes