A Conversation With My Reflection

This is what eating disorder felt like to me. To anyone who relates to this I'm sorry. You will get a through this!

• Health
• Poetry
• Short story
• Autobiographies

								
I stared back at her. What else could I do as she beat me down by her awful words? "You're never going to look like them" she spited referencing the breathtaking influencers I admired for there perfect abs and flawless thigh gaps. The tears I had been holding in began to escape down my flawed face, for it was no stranger to acne and scars, unable to hide my pain. She continued,"I knew you were weak" By now I was begging her to stop. She laughed ignoring my plead. She began to change form again. Her ribs, my ribs, turned into a bloated fat form before my eyes. "They were right to call you large and unlovable" She said. "Thirty pounds lighter, but you still look the same. You'll never be good enough." Crying I now laid on the bathroom floor. I don't know why I did this to myself. I've been told it's an outlet for me, a way to control the darkness that is now my life. This doesn't feel like control tho. Unable I am to eat a calorie over 1,200 a day without freaking out. I can no longer enjoy an Oreo, not that I would ever admit I miss the sweat taste of chocolate. It isn't worth the fats and sugars. Instead, I stick to keto bars and detox smoothies, telling myself it's even better than a milkshake. I know I'm dying, I've been told a thousand times that if I don't stop I won't make it till 18. So why then, I ask is it so hard? Why can't I give myself what I so desperately need without fearing I'll end up being the girl that gave herself away? My skin is ice-cold, my hair falling out, yet only now do people call me beautiful. Is it worth it? She seems to think so. She won't get out of my head. Every second of every day her comments and the comments of everyone else who agrees with her play in my head. I'm never good enough for her, for me. I guess I'll just keep starving myself in hopes that one day I'll be skinny.
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