White Nights Page #8

"White Nights," a novella by Fyodor Dostoevsky, is a poignant exploration of dreams, love, and loneliness set against the backdrop of St. Petersburg's enchanting white nights. The story follows an unnamed narrator, a lonely and introverted young man, who encounters a mysterious woman named Nastenka. Over the course of four nights, they share their dreams, hopes, and vulnerabilities, forming an intense emotional connection. As their relationship unfolds, the narrator grapples with his feelings of unrequited love and the bittersweet nature of human connection. Through this intimate narrative, Dostoevsky delves into themes of isolation, longing, and the complexity of romantic relationships.

• Novel

								

easily scared, the slave of shadows, of the idea, the slave of the first
cloud that shrouds the sun, and overcasts with depression the true
Petersburg heart so devoted to the sun--and what is fancy in depression!
One feels that this inexhaustible fancy is weary at last and worn
out with continual exercise, because one is growing into manhood,
outgrowing one's old ideals: they are being shattered into fragments,
into dust; if there is no other life one must build one up from the
fragments. And meanwhile the soul longs and craves for something else!
And in vain the dreamer rakes over his old dreams, as though seeking a
spark among the embers, to fan them into flame, to warm his chilled
heart by the rekindled fire, and to rouse up in it again all that was so
sweet, that touched his heart, that set his blood boiling, drew tears
from his eyes, and so luxuriously deceived him! Do you know, Nastenka,
the point I have reached? Do you know that I am forced now to celebrate
the anniversary of my own sensations, the anniversary of that which was
once so sweet, which never existed in reality--for this anniversary is
kept in memory of those same foolish, shadowy dreams--and to do this
because those foolish dreams are no more, because I have nothing to earn
them with; you know even dreams do not come for nothing! Do you know
that I love now to recall and visit at certain dates the places where I
was once happy in my own way? I love to build up my present in harmony
with the irrevocable past, and I often wander like a shadow, aimless,
sad and dejected, about the streets and crooked lanes of Petersburg.
What memories they are! To remember, for instance, that here just a year
ago, just at this time, at this hour, on this pavement, I wandered just
as lonely, just as dejected as to-day. And one remembers that then one's
dreams were sad, and though the past was no better one feels as though
it had somehow been better, and that life was more peaceful, that one
was free from the black thoughts that haunt one now; that one was free
from the gnawing of conscience--the gloomy, sullen gnawing which now
gives me no rest by day or by night. And one asks oneself where are
one's dreams. And one shakes one's head and says how rapidly the years
fly by! And again one asks oneself what has one done with one's years.
Where have you buried your best days? Have you lived or not? Look, one
says to oneself, look how cold the world is growing. Some more years
will pass, and after them will come gloomy solitude; then will come old
age trembling on its crutch, and after it misery and desolation. Your
fantastic world will grow pale, your dreams will fade and die and will
fall like the yellow leaves from the trees.... Oh, Nastenka! you know it
will be sad to be left alone, utterly alone, and to have not even
anything to regret--nothing, absolutely nothing ... for all that you
have lost, all that, all was nothing, stupid, simple nullity, there has
been nothing but dreams!"

"Come, don't work on my feelings any more," said Nastenka, wiping away a
tear which was trickling down her cheek. "Now it's over! Now we shall be
two together. Now, whatever happens to me, we will never part. Listen; I
am a simple girl, I have not had much education, though grandmother did
get a teacher for me, but truly I understand you, for all that you have
described I have been through myself, when grandmother pinned me to her
dress. Of course, I should not have described it so well as you have; I
am not educated," she added timidly, for she was still feeling a sort of
respect for my pathetic eloquence and lofty style; "but I am very glad
that you have been quite open with me. Now I know you thoroughly, all of
you. And do you know what? I want to tell you my history too, all
without concealment, and after that you must give me advice. You are a
very clever man; will you promise to give me advice?"

"Ah, Nastenka," I cried, "though I have never given advice, still less
sensible advice, yet I see now that if we always go on like this that it
will be very sensible, and that each of us will give the other a great
deal of sensible advice! Well, my pretty Nastenka, what sort of advice
do you want? Tell me frankly; at this moment I am so gay and happy, so
bold and sensible, that it won't be difficult for me to find words."

"No, no!" Nastenka interrupted, laughing. "I don't only want sensible
advice, I want warm brotherly advice, as though you had been fond of me
all your life!"

"Agreed, Nastenka, agreed!" I cried delighted; "and if I had been fond
of you for twenty years, I couldn't have been fonder of you than I am
now."

"Your hand," said Nastenka.

"Here it is," said I, giving her my hand.

"And so let us begin my history!"

NASTENKA'S HISTORY

"Half my story you know already--that is, you know that I have an old
grandmother...."

"If the other half is as brief as that ..." I interrupted, laughing.

"Be quiet and listen. First of all you must agree not to interrupt me,
or else, perhaps I shall get in a muddle! Come, listen quietly.

"I have an old grandmother. I came into her hands when I was quite a
little girl, for my father and mother are dead. It must be supposed that
grandmother was once richer, for now she recalls better days. She taught
me French, and then got a teacher for me. When I was fifteen (and now I
am seventeen) we gave up having lessons. It was at that time that I got
into mischief; what I did I won't tell you; it's enough to say that it
wasn't very important. But grandmother called me to her one morning and
said that as she was blind she could not look after me; she took a pin
and pinned my dress to hers, and said that we should sit like that for
the rest of our lives if, of course, I did not become a better girl. In
fact, at first it was impossible to get away from her: I had to work, to
read and to study all beside grandmother. I tried to deceive her once,
and persuaded Fekla to sit in my place. Fekla is our charwoman, she is
deaf. Fekla sat there instead of me; grandmother was asleep in her
armchair at the time, and I went off to see a friend close by. Well, it
ended in trouble. Grandmother woke up while I was out, and asked some
questions; she thought I was still sitting quietly in my place. Fekla
saw that grandmother was asking her something, but could not tell what
it was; she wondered what to do, undid the pin and ran away...."

At this point Nastenka stopped and began laughing. I laughed with her.
She left off at once.

"I tell you what, don't you laugh at grandmother. I laugh because it's
funny.... What can I do, since grandmother is like that; but yet I am
fond of her in a way. Oh, well, I did catch it that time. I had to sit
down in my place at once, and after that I was not allowed to stir.
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