Under The Hat Page #2

• Religion
• Short story
• Spirituality & New Age
• Drama

								


I go upstairs back into my dressing room…I mean closet and I take off my shoes, change my dress into regular clothes. I look in the mirror and this is the hard part. Then, I slowly take off the jewelry, then my makeup and oh dear lord, not my hat! That's what's keeping this all together. I slowly take it off and I don't recognize this character… I mean, myself. I go downstairs and my husband is in the living room watching the game on our 98-inch TV. Maybe if I make a move on him, he’ll remember me. I walk behind him and rub his shoulders and try to talk to him. He pushes my arms away and says “I’m trying to watch TV”. I let it go. I try saying I love you and suggesting maybe going on a small weekend trip for us. He tells me “I can’t leave my church and I don’t wanna talk to you”. My heart is crushed. He doesn’t even look at me. He’s glued to the game. I have another idea. The kids are in their rooms taking a nap. I go back in my room and come back downstairs wearing a set I bought. I wanted to surprise him on our anniversary in a couple of months, but I’m getting desperate for his attention. I try to grab his attention and he still ignores me. I give up and go back upstairs.

I go in my room to sit in my bay window and look at the garden in our backyard. I noticed there was so much noise downstairs. It’s my husband laughing on the phone with his friends. 3 hours pass… still laughing when I’m crying inside. His laughs drown my internal screams. I have a pretty nice rose garden. It compliments the home, but I hate the thorns show so much. I should cut some off. Behind our home is the neighbor on the street behind us. I see what seems like a couple playing with their kids. I look and I start to cry. I wish my life was like that. Simple, happy, connected and loved.

I hear the bedroom door open and I jerk my head to look. It’s my husband. He comes in and showers me in kisses and hugs. I know it’s fake. I stare at the ceiling until it’s over. I’m not into it as I know his heart is not with me. Who knows where his hands have been, and it may not have been for prayer.

I don’t know why so many women want this life. I guess my husband has so much charm and his life is glamorous. No wonder the women come like roaches. He just lays in it, and I’m the only one trying to kill them and keep them out. I don't know why women would want the stress of being a preacher's wife. I’m the one organizing events, crunching the numbers, and doing the behind the scenes work. I don’t get to sit and look pretty like a shelved glass doll. Well, I get that at home.

You see a man that’s loving and caring and giving to who’s in need and he does. But home is another story.

No one knows the secret emails, texts, calls, and transactions that’s not for me. They don't know the gaslighting and manipulation. They don’t know the neglect I experienced. Nights I spent taking care of our family alone. Sleeping alone. Between me and you, he hasn’t even touched me in a year. I can’t share any of that. I have to be an example for the church. I have to be perfect. I have to protect his image. Even if it means sacrificing who I am. I’ve been doing the same dance on stage for years now. When the lights dim and the curtain falls, no applause, no cheering, no chanting my name, no flowers thrown on stage. Just black until the next show. I’ve been doing this show for a while. I feel like a Pelham puppet.

I never told you, when my husband and I first met, I had just finished college. On top of that, that’s all I remember doing for me.

He wasn’t the ministry type then, but we were both church going people. He would always bring flowers and take me out and was very sweet. He won my family and friends approval instantly. I came from a not so great family dynamic. This man promised to love and take care of me. I believed enough to marry him. I was 24 and he was 28. About 5 years into our marriage he accepted the call to the Ministry. I was over the moon for him and in due time we built a million dollar ministry together. I don’t know what happened but as his popularity increased, the love for me decreased. Furthermore, I became his business partner. It’s not so bad, at least I’m part of something big. People know me.

I have some other First Lady friends, they always say “just pray about it”. I tried but I feel prayers go in answered. Not only that, but I thought cooking more, loving more, more intimacy would compensate for the bond lost. It didn’t. I thought loving him harder would bring him back. I was wrong. “Why not just leave?” you’re asking. Great question! I love him too much to do that. What would my children do? What will the church think? I’m the only one in my family who has been married for this long. Actually…married at all. I did everything the word said. I waited until marriage for intimacy and to have children. What does God say if I leave? Mainly, who would I be if I did?

I ask my myself, how could I be so stupid, naïve, gulible. No! I'm none of those things. I was in love. This was my first and didn't know anything else. I have to give myself grace. I Couldnt apply what my daddy taught me. I didn't have one to teach me at all. All I could do was pray that God gave me the wisdom to discern. But like all humans, we make mistakes. My mom, sisters, girl cousins, aunts and friends didn't give the best advice. They got man problems of they own. Their responses are based on tauma. Hell, half of them don't even go to church. 


The next thing I wonder is why would God let this happen if I did it all right. What did I do so wrong for this to be my story? Why doesn't my husband love me the way I need? I give life and he just takes. I'm drained. I can't keep giving oxygen if I'm not given any water or light.

Now, I never blamed God for my issues. I’m not perfect but I tried. I love people, I turn the other cheek and pray for those who hurt me all the time. It seems like the people who are not believers live better. I even have a friend who’s an atheist and her husband loves her, ans, and they get to travel and explore the world. All she does is breathe and smile, and she gets everything she wants. She lives in a modern smaller house, but her husband makes it happen. I live in a million-dollar mansion but get $0- $1.00 treatments. I know now that money is not the problem. It’s the heart and desire of the person. So again, why would God allow me to get here? You would think as a First Lady I have all the answers, well for this one, I don’t.
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