Threatening Letter to Thomas Hood Page #2

"Threatening Letter to Thomas Hood" is a satirical piece by Charles Dickens that showcases the author's sharp wit and keen observational skills. In this work, Dickens humorously explores the absurdities of life in Victorian England through a fictitious correspondence. The letter serves as a commentary on societal norms and the eccentricities of human behavior, particularly in the realms of creativity and the literary world. Dickens’ playful yet incisive prose highlights both the absurdity and the poignancy of the challenges faced by writers, making it a delightful read for enthusiasts of his work and fans of Victorian literature.

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the House of Commons any night).  Nay, some persons, Mr. Hood; and
persons of some figure and distinction too; have already succeeded in
breeding wild sons; who have been publicly shown in the Courts of
Bankruptcy, and in police-offices, and in other commodious
exhibition-rooms, with great effect, but who have not yet found favour at
court; in consequence, as I infer, of the impression made by Mr. Rankin’s
wild men being too fresh and recent, to say nothing of Mr. Rankin’s wild
men being foreigners.

I need not refer you, sir, to the late instance of the Ojibbeway Bride.
But I am credibly informed, that she is on the eve of retiring into a
savage fastness, where she may bring forth and educate a wild family, who
shall in course of time, by the dexterous use of the popularity they are
certain to acquire at Windsor and St. James’s, divide with dwarfs the
principal offices of state, of patronage, and power, in the United
Kingdom.

Consider the deplorable consequences, Mr. Hood, which must result from
these proceedings, and the encouragement they receive in the highest
quarters.

The dwarf being the favourite, sir, it is certain that the public mind
will run in a great and eminent degree upon the production of dwarfs.
Perhaps the failures only will be brought up, wild.  The imagination goes
a long way in these cases; and all that the imagination can do, will be
done, and is doing.  You may convince yourself of this, by observing the
condition of those ladies who take particular notice of General Tom Thumb
at the Egyptian Hall, during his hours of performance.

The rapid increase of dwarfs, will be first felt in her Majesty’s
recruiting department.  The standard will, of necessity, be lowered; the
dwarfs will grow smaller and smaller; the vulgar expression “a man of his
inches” will become a figure of fact, instead of a figure of speech;
crack regiments, household-troops especially, will pick the smallest men
from all parts of the country; and in the two little porticoes at the
Horse Guards, two Tom Thumbs will be daily seen, doing duty, mounted on a
pair of Shetland ponies.  Each of them will be relieved (as Tom Thumb is
at this moment, in the intervals of his performance) by a wild man; and a
British Grenadier will either go into a quart pot, or be an Old Boy, or
Blue Gull, or Flying Bull, or some other savage chief of that nature.

I will not expatiate upon the number of dwarfs who will be found
representing Grecian statues in all parts of the metropolis; because I am
inclined to think that this will be a change for the better; and that the
engagement of two or three in Trafalgar Square will tend to the
improvement of the public taste.

The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs, sir, it
will be necessary to alter, in some respects, the present regulations.
It is quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb himself could preserve
a becoming dignity on state occasions, if required to walk about with a
scaffolding-pole under his arm; therefore the gold and silver sticks at
present used, must be cut down into skewers of those precious metals; a
twig of the black rod will be quite as much as can be conveniently
preserved; the coral and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales,
will be used in lieu of the mace at present in existence; and that bauble
(as Oliver Cromwell called it, Mr. Hood), its value being first
calculated by Mr. Finlayson, the government actuary, will be placed to
the credit of the National Debt.

All this, sir, will be the death of the constitution.  But this is not
all.  The constitution dies hard, perhaps; but there is enough disease
impending, Mr. Hood, to kill it three times over.

Wild men will get into the House of Commons.  Imagine that, sir!  Imagine
Strong Wind in the House of Commons!  It is not an easy matter to get
through a debate now; but I say, imagine Strong Wind, speaking for the
benefit of his constituents, upon the floor of the House of Commons! or
imagine (which is pregnant with more awful consequences still) the
ministry having an interpreter in the House of Commons, to tell the
country, in English, what it really means!

Why, sir, that in itself would be blowing the constitution out of the
mortar in St. James’s Park, and leaving nothing of it to be seen but
smoke.

But this, I repeat it, is the state of things to which we are fast
tending, Mr. Hood; and I enclose my card for your private eye, that you
may be quite certain of it.  What the condition of this country will be,
when its standing army is composed of dwarfs, with here and there a wild
man to throw its ranks into confusion, like the elephants employed in war
in former times, I leave you to imagine, sir.  It may be objected by some
hopeful jackanapeses, that the number of impressments in the navy,
consequent upon the seizure of the Boy-Joneses, or remaining portion of
the population ambitious of Court Favour, will be in itself sufficient to
defend our Island from foreign invasion.  But I tell those jackanapeses,
sir, that while I admit the wisdom of the Boy Jones precedent, of
kidnapping such youths after the expiration of their several terms of
imprisonment as vagabonds; hurrying them on board ship; and packing them
off to sea again whenever they venture to take the air on shore; I deny
the justice of the inference; inasmuch as it appears to me, that the
inquiring minds of those young outlaws must naturally lead to their being
hanged by the enemy as spies, early in their career; and before they
shall have been rated on the books of our fleet as able seamen.

Such, Mr. Hood, sir, is the prospect before us!  And unless you, and some
of your friends who have influence at Court, can get up a giant as a
forlorn hope, it is all over with this ill-fated land.

In reference to your own affairs, sir, you will take whatever course may
seem to you most prudent and advisable after this warning.  It is not a
warning to be slighted: that I happen to know.  I am informed by the
gentleman who favours this, that you have recently been making some
changes and improvements in your Magazine, and are, in point of fact,
starting afresh.  If I be well informed, and this be really so, rely upon
it that you cannot start too small, sir.  Come down to the duodecimo size
instantly, Mr. Hood.  Take time by the forelock; and, reducing the
stature of your Magazine every month, bring it at last to the dimensions
of the little almanack no longer issued, I regret to say, by the
ingenious Mr. Schloss: which was invisible to the naked eye until
examined through a little eye-glass.

You project, I am told, the publication of a new novel, by yourself, in
the pages of your Magazine.  A word in your ear.  I am not a young man,
sir, and have had some experience.  Don’t put your own name on the
title-page; it would be suicide and madness.  Treat with General Tom
Thumb, Mr. Hood, for the use of his name on any terms.  If the gallant
general should decline to treat with you, get Mr. Barnum’s name, which is
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