The Schartz-Metterklume Method Page #2

"The Schartz-Metterklume Method" is a satirical novella by Hector Hugh Munro, better known by his pen name Saki. The story revolves around the unconventional approach of a fictional character, Miss Schartz-Metterklume, who offers an eccentric method for education and reform, particularly focused on transforming manners and behavior. Through a blend of wit and social commentary, Saki explores themes of societal norms, the absurdity of certain educational practices, and the complexities of human interaction. The narrative reflects Saki's keen observation of Edwardian society, making it both entertaining and thought-provoking.

• Short story

								

discomfort on the window-seat behind her, with a wolf-skin rug almost
covering her.

“We are having a history lesson,” came the unexpected reply.  “I am
supposed to be Rome, and Viola up there is the she-wolf; not a real wolf,
but the figure of one that the Romans used to set store by—I forget why.
Claude and Wilfrid have gone to fetch the shabby women.”

“The shabby women?”

“Yes, they’ve got to carry them off.  They didn’t want to, but Miss Hope
got one of father’s fives-bats and said she’d give them a number nine
spanking if they didn’t, so they’ve gone to do it.”

A loud, angry screaming from the direction of the lawn drew Mrs. Quabarl
thither in hot haste, fearful lest the threatened castigation might even
now be in process of infliction.  The outcry, however, came principally
from the two small daughters of the lodge-keeper, who were being hauled
and pushed towards the house by the panting and dishevelled Claude and
Wilfrid, whose task was rendered even more arduous by the incessant, if
not very effectual, attacks of the captured maidens’ small brother.  The
governess, fives-bat in hand, sat negligently on the stone balustrade,
presiding over the scene with the cold impartiality of a Goddess of
Battles.  A furious and repeated chorus of “I’ll tell muvver” rose from
the lodge-children, but the lodge-mother, who was hard of hearing, was
for the moment immersed in the preoccupation of her washtub.

After an apprehensive glance in the direction of the lodge (the good
woman was gifted with the highly militant temper which is sometimes the
privilege of deafness) Mrs. Quabarl flew indignantly to the rescue of the
struggling captives.

“Wilfrid!  Claude!  Let those children go at once.  Miss Hope, what on
earth is the meaning of this scene?”

“Early Roman history; the Sabine Women, don’t you know?  It’s the
Schartz-Metterklume method to make children understand history by acting
it themselves; fixes it in their memory, you know.  Of course, if, thanks
to your interference, your boys go through life thinking that the Sabine
women ultimately escaped, I really cannot be held responsible.”

“You may be very clever and modern, Miss Hope,” said Mrs. Quabarl firmly,
“but I should like you to leave here by the next train.  Your luggage
will be sent after you as soon as it arrives.”

“I’m not certain exactly where I shall be for the next few days,” said
the dismissed instructress of youth; “you might keep my luggage till I
wire my address.  There are only a couple of trunks and some golf-clubs
and a leopard cub.”

“A leopard cub!” gasped Mrs. Quabarl.  Even in her departure this
extraordinary person seemed destined to leave a trail of embarrassment
behind her.

“Well, it’s rather left off being a cub; it’s more than half-grown, you
know.  A fowl every day and a rabbit on Sundays is what it usually gets.
Raw beef makes it too excitable.  Don’t trouble about getting the car for
me, I’m rather inclined for a walk.”

And Lady Carlotta strode out of the Quabarl horizon.

The advent of the genuine Miss Hope, who had made a mistake as to the day
on which she was due to arrive, caused a turmoil which that good lady was
quite unused to inspiring.  Obviously the Quabarl family had been
woefully befooled, but a certain amount of relief came with the
knowledge.

“How tiresome for you, dear Carlotta,” said her hostess, when the overdue
guest ultimately arrived; “how very tiresome losing your train and having
to stop overnight in a strange place.”

“Oh dear, no,” said Lady Carlotta; “not at all tiresome—for me.”
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