The Disbursement Sheet Page #3

"The Disbursement Sheet" by W. W. Jacobs is a comedic short story that revolves around the humorous misadventures of its characters, particularly focusing on the mishandling of financial matters. Jacobs, known for his wit and keen observations of human nature, crafts a narrative filled with misunderstandings and clever dialogue, revealing how simple situations can spiral into comedic chaos. Set in the early 20th century, the story reflects Jacobs' characteristic style of fusing humor with social commentary, making it a delightful read for fans of classic literature and comedy.

• Fiction

								

scoring out the copper nails. “You never knew that dog properly,
Tweedie.”

“Well, never mind about the dog,” said Tweedie; “let’s cast the sheet.
What do you think it comes to?”

“‘Bout thirty pun’,” hazarded the other.

“Thirty fiddlesticks,” retorted Tweedie; “there you are in black and
white—sixty-three pounds eighteen shillings and tenpence ha’penny.”

“And is that what Mas’r Edward wants?” inquired Captain Fazackerly
gasping.

“Yes; that’s a properly drawn up disbursement sheet,” said Tweedie in
satisfied tones. “You see how it simplifies matters. The governor can
see at a glance how things stand, while, if you trusted to your memory,
you might forget something, or else claim something you didn’t have.”

“I ought to have had them things afore,” said Captain Fazackerly,
shaking his head solemnly. “I’d ha’ been riding in my carriage by now.”

“Never ye dream of having another vy’ge without one,” said Tweedie. “I
doubt whether it’s lawful to render an account without one.”

He folded the paper, and handed it to his friend, who, after inspecting
it with considerable pride, tucked it carefully away in his breast
pocket.

“Take it up in the morning,” said Tweedie. “We’ll have a bit o’ tea
down here, and then we’ll go round a bit afterwards.”

Captain Fazackerly having no objection, they had tea first, and then,
accompanied by the first mate, went out to christen the disbursement
sheet. The ceremony, which was of great length, was solemnly impressive
towards the finish. Captain Tweedie, who possessed a very sensitive,
highly-strung nature, finding it necessary to put a licensed victualler
out of his own house before it could be completed to his satisfaction.

The one thing which Captain Fazackerly remembered clearly the next
morning when he awoke was the disbursement sheet. He propped It against
the coffee-pot during breakfast, and read selections to his admiring
mate, and after a refreshing toilet, proceeded to the office. Simmons
was already there, and before the skipper could get to the purpose of
his visit, the head of the firm arrived.

“I’ve just brought the disbursement sheet you asked for, sir,” said the
skipper, drawing it from his pocket.

“Ah! you’ve got it then,” said the new governor, with a gracious smile;
“you see it wasn’t so much trouble after all.”

“I don’t mind the trouble, sir,” interrupted Captain Fazackerly.

“You see it puts things on a better footing,” said the other. “I can
see at a glance now how things stand, and Simmons can enter the items
straight away into the books of the firm. It’s more satisfactory to
both of us. Sit down, cap’n.”

The captain sat down, his face glowing with this satisfactory
recognition of his work.

“I met Cap’n Hargreaves as I was a-coming up,” he said; “and I
explained to him your ideas on the subject, an’ he went straight back,
as straight as he could go, to make out his disbursement sheet.”

“Ah! we shall soon have things on a better footing now,” said the
governor, unfolding the paper, while the skipper gazed abstractedly
through the small, dirty panes of the office window at the bustle on
the quay below.

For a short space there was silence in the office, broken only by the
half-audible interjections of the reader. Then he spoke.

“Simmons!” he said sharply.

The old clerk slipped from his stool, and obeying the motions of his
employer, inspected, in great astonishment, the first disbursement
sheet which had ever entered the office. He read through every item in
an astonished whisper, and, having finished, followed the governor’s
example and gazed at the heavy figure by the window.

“Captain Fazackerly,” said his employer, at length, breaking a painful
silence.

“Sir,” said the captain, turning his head a little.

“I’ve been talking with Simmons about these disbursement sheets,” said
the owner, somewhat awkwardly; “Simmons is afraid they’ll give him a
lot of extra trouble.”

The captain turned his head a little more, and gazed stolidly at the
astonished Simmons.

“A man oughtn’t to mind a little extra trouble if the firm wishes it,”
he said, somewhat severely.

“He’s afraid it would throw his books out a bit,” continued the owner,
deftly avoiding the gaze of the injured clerk. “You see, Simmons’
bookkeeping is of the old-fashioned kind, cap’n, starfishes and all
that kind of thing,” he continued, incoherently, as the gaze of
Simmons, refusing to be longer avoided, broke the thread of his
discourse. “So I think we’ll put the paper on the fire, cap’n, and do
business in the old way. Have you got the money with you?”

“I have, sir,” said Fazackerly, feeling in his pocket, as he mournfully
watched his last night’s work blazing up the chimney.

“Fire away, then,” said the owner, almost cordially.

Captain Fazackerly advanced to the table, and clearing his throat,
fixed his eyes in a reflective stare on the opposite wall, and
commenced:—

“Blown away fore lower topsail, fore-staysail, and carried away lifts
to staysail. To sailmaker for above, eleven pounds eighteen shillings
and tenpence,” he said, with relish. “Tug out to the bar, three pounds.
To twenty-eight pounds black soot, I mean paint——”
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