Little Choices Page #2

I wrote this to show how our choices shape who we are. Looking back at the choices we made can make us happy or show us that we need to change something in our lives.

• Diaries

								


I met another man, Rich, who became my escape. This turned out to be a huge mistake that turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Because of the roller coaster ride that Rich put me on, I came to realize that I don't need a man to make me happy. I don't need someone else in my life to take care of my kids. All I need is God and myself. So I became strong again. I became more myself. The person I play in my game. The person I want to be, confident. Rich didn't like that because it was getting to the point where I didn't need him anymore. After three years of him trying to control me, I had enough, and I had asked my dad for advice. My dad prayed about it and got the answer that it was up to me, but if I stayed with Rich, then it would be a hard marriage. I had enough. Believe me, there was a lot going on that was beyond what anyone should have to deal with. 

I moved in with mom and got a job and was doing just fine. Life was getting back to normal for me. Then it happened. I was at church when I heard a familiar voice call out my name. I turned around and there he was. A high school crush. We didn't go to school together, but we hung out during those years. I actually met him through a mutual friend at a church dance when we were fourteen years old. We were all hanging out talking when I saw a kid who liked me coming toward the group. I turned to Erik and told him to ask me to dance and save me. I flirted with him shamelessly after that, but he didn't have a clue. He didn't realize that he loved me until we were eighteen years old, but I was dating David at that time, so he didn't say anything to me. 

I invited Erik over so we could catch up on what has been happening. While we sat together, all the old feelings came back. And when he found out that David and I were divorced, and I was getting a divorce from Rich, he let all those old feelings loose. “I loved you since we were eighteen years old. I let you go then. I won't let you go again. As soon as your divorce is final, I want us to start dating,” he said. My jaw dropped. Are you kidding me? 

We got married June 28, 2013. It was pouring rain and Erik was worried that we were going to be late to the temple. I just looked at him and told him, “They are not going to start without us, Dear.” 

We got to the temple and got ready to get married. While we were sitting in the marriage room listening to the priest, I got stuck. I was having doubts. It was a terrible feeling. I said a little prayer, “Heavenly Father, if this is the man I am supposed to be with, then you will have to help me. I can't do this on my own.” I've already had two marriages that went bad. What made me think this one would be any better? When it was time to go to the altar, Erik stood and took my hand. I then felt a hand on my back that pushed me up out of the seat. I guess Heavenly Father liked the idea of Erik and me getting married.

I have to wonder what would have happened if Ben had stuck around? Or even told me that he would be coming back and to wait for him? Would I have met Rich, and would he have learned the lessons he learned from being with me? Would I have even run into Erik again if I had gotten with Ben? 

Then it happened again. Ben searched me out, again. Erik and I had been married for a couple of months already. But because that connection is still there with Ben, it caused me serious problems. Don't get me wrong, I love Erik. He has made life so much better. He is a wonderful man. It's that damn connection. It makes being with someone else so much harder. That connection is part of my soul. It's like we share our life force with each other. 

An example so you can understand what I feel. I had a dream about Ben when I was younger. It was our meadow. Our escape from the troubles of the world. It was the one place we could go to be ourselves without any worries. I wrote the dream up as a poem and as a story. I have also painted pictures of the meadow. I decided to paint the meadow on a table one day. While I was painting it, I felt Ben there with me. Guiding me. Helping me to make it perfect. I got lost in the painting. Nothing else existed. I lost track of time and everything else around me. Until the painting was done, there was nothing else. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I was driven to continue and to finish it. And Ben was right there next to me the entire time. I felt him. And as long as I didn't try to focus on him, I could see him there with my mind's eye. I had no control. This was what that connection did to both of us. We drew off of each other's life force. 

It was wonderful but terrible at the same time. Being with Ben filled that void that was there when we were apart. But it was also tearing Erik and me apart. The connection was a poison that was slowing killing me. As long as that connection was there, I couldn't give my whole heart to another, Erik to be specific. 

Then I met Serena at church. I found out that she does energy healing. She needed someone to help her practice. She asked me to help her, and I said sure. During these practice sessions she found out about the connection. She saw the poison that it was causing to my soul and energy field. She said she could cut it. YES! Get rid of it. I love Ben, but he is poison to me. It's not good. I need to be able to give my heart to my husband, not be in constant battle. So, with the help of the Lord, she was able to cut that connection. Sweet freedom. 

I still think of Ben, but that drain is no longer there. And I don't feel the sadness and emptiness when I think of him. I no longer feel the pull. 

So, all those choices. All those forks in the road. The bends in the road that lead you to who knows what. That boulder in the road that can be a blessing that makes you turn a different way, a hardship that makes life more difficult, or a blessing because of a hardship that taught you a lesson or made you stronger. There is a reason they call hindsight 20/20. You can see what each choice has brought you. And those choices aren't over till the very end. So, stay strong and learn. It's all you can do.
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