Good Intentions Page #2

"Good Intentions" by W.W. Jacobs is a humorous short story that explores the consequences of well-meaning but misguided intentions. Set in a lively, working-class environment, the narrative follows the misadventures of the protagonist as they attempt to impress others and navigate social situations. Through witty dialogue and situational comedy, Jacobs highlights the irony of human behavior and the often unforeseen outcomes of our efforts to be helpful or generous. The story showcases Jacobs's trademark style of blending humor with keen observations about human nature.

• Humour
• Short story

								

for me, all in a row on the counter, I 'ad to ask 'im whether he thought
I was there to do conjuring tricks, or wot?'

"'There was a letter waiting for me in the office,' he ses.  'From Miss
Lamb--she's in London.  She's coming to pay me a surprise visit this
evening--I know who'll get the surprise.  Mrs. Plimmer's coming too.'

"I gave 'im one of my 'arf-pints and made 'im drink it.  He chucked the
pot on the floor when he 'ad done, in a desprit sort o' way, and 'im and
the landlord 'ad a little breeze then that did 'im more good than wot the
beer 'ad.  When we came outside 'e seemed more contented with 'imself,
but he shook his 'ead and got miserable as soon as we got to the wharf
agin.

"'S'pose they both come along at the same time,' he ses.  'Wot's to be
done?'

"I shut the gate with a bang and fastened the wicket.  Then I turned to
'im with a smile.

"'I'm watchman 'ere,' I ses, 'and I lets in who I thinks I will.  This
ain't a public 'ighway,' I ses; 'it's a wharf.'

"'Bill,' he ses, 'you're a genius.'

"'If Miss Lamb comes 'ere asking arter you,' I ses, 'I shall say you've
gone out for the evening.'

"'Wot about her letter?' he ses.

"'You didn't 'ave it,' I ses, winking at 'im.

"'And suppose she waits about outside for me, and Mrs. Plimmer wants me
to take 'er out?' he ses, shivering.  'She's a fearful obstinate woman;
and she'd wait a week for me.'

"He kept peeping up the road while we talked it over, and then we both
see Mrs. Plimmer coming along.  He backed on to the wharf and pulled out
'is purse.

"'Bill,' he ses, gabbling as fast as 'e could gabble, 'here's five or six
shillings.  If the other one comes and won't go away tell 'er I've gone
to the Pagoda Music-'all and you'll take 'er to me, keep 'er out all the
evening some'ow, if you can, if she comes back too soon keep 'er in the
office.'

"'And wot about leaving the wharf and my dooty?' I ses, staring.

"'I'll put Joe on to keep watch for you,' he ses, pressing the money in
my 'and.  'I rely on you, Bill, and I'll never forget you.  You won't
lose by it, trust me.'

"He nipped off and tumbled aboard the ship afore I could say a word.  I
just stood there staring arter 'im and feeling the money, and afore I
could make up my mind Mrs. Plimmer came up.

"I thought I should never ha' got rid of 'er.  She stood there chatting
and smiling, and seemed to forget all about the cap'n, and every moment I
was afraid that the other one might come up.  At last she went off,
looking behind 'er, to the ship, and then I went outside and put my back
up agin the gate and waited.

"I 'ad hardly been there ten minutes afore the other one came along.  I
saw 'er stop and speak to a policeman, and then she came straight over to
me.

"'I want to see Cap'n Tarbell,' she ses.

"'Cap'n Tarbell?' I ses, very slow; 'Cap'n Tarbell 'as gone off for the
evening.'

"'Gone off!' she ses, staring.  'But he can't 'ave.  Are you sure?'

"'Sartain,' I ses.  Then I 'ad a bright idea.  'And there's a letter come
for 'im,' I ses.

"'Oh, dear!' she ses.  'And I thought it would be in plenty of time.
Well, I must go on the ship and wait for 'im, I suppose.'

"If I 'ad only let 'er go I should ha' saved myself a lot o' trouble, and
the man wot deserved it would ha' got it.  Instead o' that I told 'er
about the music-'all, and arter carrying on like a silly gal o' seventeen
and saying she couldn't think of it, she gave way and said she'd go with
me to find 'im.  I was all right so far as clothes went as it happened.
Mrs. Plimmer said once that I got more and more dressy every time she saw
me, and my missis 'ad said the same thing only in a different way.  I
just took a peep through the wicket and saw that Joe 'ad taken up my
dooty, and then we set off.

"I said I wasn't quite sure which one he'd gone to, but we'd try the
Pagoda Music-'all fust, and we went there on a bus from Aldgate.  It was
the fust evening out I 'ad 'ad for years, and I should 'ave enjoyed it if
it 'adn't been for Miss Lamb.  Wotever Cap'n Tarbell could ha' seen in
'er, I can't think.

"She was quiet, and stupid, and bad-tempered.  When the bus-conductor came
round for the fares she 'adn't got any change; and when we got to the
hall she did such eggsterrordinary things trying to find 'er pocket that
I tried to look as if she didn't belong to me.  When she left off she
smiled and said she was farther off than ever, and arter three or four
wot was standing there 'ad begged 'er to have another try, I 'ad to pay
for the two.

"The 'ouse was pretty full when we got in, but she didn't take no notice
of that.  Her idea was that she could walk about all over the place
looking for Cap'n Tarbell, and it took three men in buttons and a
policeman to persuade 'er different.  We were pushed into a couple o'
seats at last, and then she started finding fault with me.

"'Where is Cap'n Tarbell?' she ses.  'Why don't you find him?'

"'I'll go and look for 'im in the bar presently,' I ses.  'He's sure to
be there, arter a turn or two.'

"I managed to keep 'er quiet for 'arf an hour--with the 'elp of the
people wot sat near us--and then I 'ad to go.  I 'ad a glass o' beer to
pass the time away, and, while I was drinking it, who should come up but
the cook and one of the hands from the Lizzie and Annie.

"'We saw you,' ses the cook, winking; 'didn't we Bob?'

"'Yes,' ses Bob, shaking his silly 'ead; 'but it wasn't no surprise to
me.  I've 'ad my eye on 'im for a long time past.'

"'I thought 'e was married,' ses the cook.

"'So he is,' ses Bob, 'and to the best wife in London.  I know where she
lives.  Mine's a bottle o' Bass,' he ses, turning to me.

"'So's mine,' ses the cook.

"I paid for two bottles for 'em, and arter that they said that they'd
'ave a whisky and soda apiece just to show as there was no ill-feeling.

"'It's very good,' ses Bob, sipping his, 'but it wants a sixpenny cigar
to go with it.  It's been the dream o' my life to smoke a sixpenny
cigar.'

"'So it 'as mine,' ses the cook, 'but I don't suppose I ever shall.'

"They both coughed arter that, and like a goodnatured fool I stood 'em a
sixpenny cigar apiece, and I 'ad just turned to go back to my seat when
up come two more hands from the Lizzie and Annie.

"'Halloa, watchman!' ses one of 'em.  'Why, I thought you was a-taking
care of the wharf.'

"'He's got something better than the wharf to take care of,' ses Bob,
grinning.

"'I know; we see 'im,' ses the other chap.  'We've been watching 'is
goings-on for the last 'arf-hour; better than a play it was.'

"I stopped their mouths with a glass o' bitter each, and went back to my
seat while they was drinking it.  I told Miss Lamb in whispers that 'e
wasn't there, but I'd 'ave another look for him by and by.  If she'd ha'
whispered back it would ha' been all right, but she wouldn't, and, arter
a most unpleasant scene, she walked out with her 'ead in the air follered

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