The Happy Clown

								

young men, who forgave him for being so handsome because he did not
work at it except on camera; but he was lonely. Surrounded by people,
intruded and trespassed upon, continually touched in ways other than
physical, he was yet lonely.



       *       *       *       *       *
During his life he had met a few other nonconformists, shy, like him,
wary of revealing themselves, but something always seemed to happen
to them. Some were miserable being nonconformists and asked pitifully
for the Steyner, some were detected, as Steven had been, and some
were unfortunately surprised in hospitals. Under the anesthetic they
sometimes talked, and then, if they were adults, they were immediately
corrected by means of Steyner's lobotomy. It had been learned that
adults did not respond to therapy.
There was never any organization, any underground, of misfits. An
underground presupposes injustice to be fought, cruelty to be resisted,
and there was no injustice and no cruelty. The mass of people were
kind, and their leaders, duly and fairly elected, were kind. They
all sincerely believed in the gospel of efficiency and conformity
and kindness. It had made the world a wonderful place to live in,
full of wonderful things to make and buy and consume (all wonderfully
advertised), and if one were a misfit and the doctors found it out and
gave one a Steyner, it was only to make one happy, so that one could
appreciate what a wonderful world it was.
Steven met no nonconformists at the School of Television Arts, and none
while he was acting in "The Happy Life" until Denise Cottrell joined
the cast. Denise--called Denny, of course--was a pleasantly plain young
woman with a whimsical face which photographed pretty, and remarkable
dark blue eyes. It was her eyes which first made Steven wonder. They
mirrored his own hope, and longing, and the desperate loneliness of the
exile.
For two months they were together as often as they could be, talking
intellectual treason in public under cover of conventional faces,
and talking intellectual treason in private with excitement and
laughter and sometimes tears--falling in love. They planned, after
much discussion, to be married and to bring up a dozen clever rebel
children. Denise said soberly, "They'd better be clever, because
they'll have to learn to hide."
They made love in Denise's apartment when her roommate
Pauline--Polly--was out, as awkwardly as if there had never been any
group experimentation or happy affairs. Denise said wonderingly, "When
you really love someone it's all new. Isn't that strange?" and Steven
said, kissing her, "No, not strange at all."
He took her to meet his family--Denise's family lived three thousand
miles away--and she behaved with such perfect decorum and charm that
Richard and Harriet were delighted and as eager as Steven for the
wedding. Steven had agreed reluctantly to put it off until Denise
had a chance to introduce him to her parents; they were coming East